Ambiguous Inspiration

Happy Monday

2009-10-05T07:36:00.001-07:00

It's been almost 10 minutes now that I've been trying to figure out why the heck I haven't written in my blog in such a long while. True that I haven't had much time but just as well, i Haven't made time. Maybe it's because I don't have much to write about. Perhaps it's the fact that a blog is anything you want it to be and, furthermore, I don't really need anything. Now that I write it out I think it's because I've been meditating more. I usually explore minimal ideas and emotions via blogger but since I've been meditating more it's probably because the necessity or relativity of blogger, for me, has been lost. Very interesting.
Why have I been meditating so much?
I've been meditating more because I want to perfect myself. That's what a buddhist does. You, first, must help and perfect yourself, before you can help others. Perfecting myself, to me, means that I have control of all my emotions and that I always have a clear and thoughtful mind. I've analyzed myself and realized that, for the most part, I am nice and thoughtful but sometimes I can lose my thoughts and give in easily to anger sometimes even greed. It seems like a lot to the reader, maybe, but truly I'm literally talking about little instances. For example ( Anger) I'd get mad at someone who cut me off four lanes over and I'd have negative thoughts and speech. Another example (greed) I'd eat two doughnuts rather than one because I want to eat both of them rather than sharing one with Richard (My moms boyfriend and our living companion). You may be wondering that it's not much, everyone gets mad at these things or everyone may do these things from time to time but I'd like to make them far and few between and learn how to recover from instances like those. I tend to be too hard on myself, almost all the time. Most of all I just want to become a more compassionate, considerate, kind person. Not just because I think it'll make me a better person but I think it'll make me a better human being.
Happy Monday everyone,
here's to more blog entries!

2009-08-23T10:19:00.000-07:00

This is quite sad, but I haven't been writing at all lately nor have I been dancing. I have been hanging out with a couple of friends, family members, working and this last week has marked my first week back at Southwestern College. I've also been busy trying to contact people from Ameri Corps. and Peace Corp. seeing if I can join either but Ameri Corps. aren't being very helpful and, apparently, you must have a degree now to join the Peace Corp. It's a real catch 22 with the Peace corp because to join the peace corp you need some sort of degree but by the time I get out of college I need to look for a job and start paying off my student loans so really I wouldn't have time to join. Bummer. In other news I got myself four dollar boots at the thrift store.
I've come to notice that I'm becoming more and more minimalist as the days go by. I've ben giving a lo of shoes and clothes away and I have money from my birthday that, usually, I would feel the need to spend but I've actually feel like giving more and more away. This has been a trend for me since i've been riding my bike more - either to the school or to visit my dad down on third or any other chula vista related unchecked box. Which brings me to the fact that I've been taking my clarinet playing a little more seriously. I still mostly improvise but sometimes I think I compose some real nice stuff with potential but then I realize that I forgot how to write and read notes, so i've been trying to change that. My Harmonica on the other hand, I don't feel the need to take that thing seriously yet - I'm having plenty fun making nonsense. That's what's been up with me. Oh yeah and last thing: I've been wanting to go camping and all the cool camping activities like hiking and swimming in a river and stuff like that. I'm really thinking of going in a month or two, is anyone else interested in stuff like that?

Note to Self

2009-08-15T15:55:00.000-07:00

Tell Bookum, Drah, Ryan and Daryll about Clarinet/Animation idea i just came up with.

Reminder: ta-ta-ta-dahtahda-ta-tatatatadahta.
BUM...BUM...BUM...

"Colorgenics"

2009-08-15T12:07:00.000-07:00

So Criselle posted up this colorgenics thing and I thought it was b.s. right away. So I read through it then went on with my google reader then I saw that Maika did the same. So I read through it and thought, why not? It was simple just choose a couple of colors and wham-o! This thing is supposed to tell you more about you than you. here's what I got.

Name: Alex
Date: 8/15/2009
Colorgenics Number: 15047326

You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to 'All things bright and beautiful'. This personifies a caring person, a person who 'needs' and indeed 'needs to be needed'.

All of your dreams and hopes have not materialised and consequently you are unsure of which way to go. This uncertainty has led to considerable stress but you have sufficient 'strength of mind' to overcome this state of affairs although it will take some time.

Circumstances are holding you back, forcing you to back off and to forgo all the pleasures, fun and games for the time being. But this is only a temporary situation and before you even know it the situation could change.

You are trying to prove yourself - not only to yourself but also to everyone around you. There is much that you would like to say and do but the situation warrants self-restraint and that is the last thing that you have on your mind. It would seem that you have an unsatisfied need to ally yourself with others whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to stand out from the crowd. This is subjecting you to considerable stress but you tend to stick to your attitudes despite lack of appreciation. Of course, you are finding the situation uncomfortable and would like nothing better but to break away from it but you don't like the idea of compromise. Your main problem is that you are unable to resolve the situation because you continually postpone making the necessary decisions. You feel that if you make the wrong choice this would lead to such opposition that you would not be able to command the esteem of others. It is essential that those around you are prepared to comply with your wishes.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.

The first paragraph is 100% true.
Second paragraph is total B.S.
Third paragraph: Circumstances are holding me back from some things but sure as hell not "all the pleasures of life"
Fourth paragraph: I suppose I could connect this to some things in my life but I would really have to work to connect it in this way.
Fifth paragraph: that's as ambiguous as saying "there is a woman in your life..." hahaha

Overall it was kinda cool, I liked the first paragraph because that is very much me. the rest of it was either b.s. or I had to really jump to connect it completely. It's probably because I'm o.k. with everything that's happening in my life - If i wasn't i'd probably say this was spot on. Though right now circumstances are holding me back I have patience, perseverance and a good head on my shoulders so I know I can handle anything and everything that comes my way. Sweet. If anyone want's to do it then check it out here:
www.goldinuniversity.com

No Update

2009-08-08T15:52:00.000-07:00

I have not updated in forever and three weeks, very sorry.
It's been crazy busy until very recently.
Last week I went to Vegas to support the girls I teach at the Hip-Hop International championship.
Unfortunately They didn't make it too far but to succeed, it is necessary to know what it doesn't feel like to know how it feels.
Anyway, It was crazy hot - 118 when we got in. First friggin' day.
it felt like when you open an oven, all the time. hahaha
other than the smoldering heat it was pretty bad ass.
We stayed off the strip but visited once or twice before we transfered over to our second and final hotel, which was the Orleans. It was a nice trip and wish I had the patience to type more about it.
Highlights Include hanging out with all my girls, the Bendorf's, Francine, Heide and Ivan.
It was nice to hang out with Ivan especially because we're very much a like but have never gotten the oppertunity to hang out at all. Biggest highlight must be when Heide and Ivan got to the brewskies. Ask me about it some other time.

When we got back was my first day of work. Very very very fun and rewarding but it's only 2 hours a day, 4 days a week. naturally, i'm looking for a second job. I work at a after school program entitled after school all-stars where I tutor students in any subject they find trouble in. Like I said, right up my alley but not enough alley. hahaha

It seems on digital paper like I haven't been doing so much but I'm sure I'm leaving plenty of tid-bits out.

Good couple of weeks, looking forward to starting my two classes next Tuesday. Speaking of which, did you know that SWC increased their prices? Sad, still affordable but I always knew swc as the 20 per unit college. Oh well, we're all hurting I suppose - ecen good 'ol es doube ya see.

Sunday. July 12, 2009

2009-07-14T19:43:00.000-07:00

A Date In Space

Let's make a date to go to the moon;
we can have dinner with moon mice
and tea with space men thought lost.

We'll use the stars as stepping stones
as our dancing feet move
from one planet to another.

When we get to saturn
I'll take one of it's rings
and put it around your finger.

By the time we reach Neptune
we'll yawn together and
go back on top of the moon.

Looking out at our world we'll lay as I say
"it's a full earth out tonight"
"So it is" you'll smile and whisper.

We will sleep and dream of more exciting things
but nothing can be more extraordinary than you,
not even in dreams.

Sometimes

2009-07-11T09:37:00.000-07:00

It's just wiser to hold back.

Wrote a song tonight, heres a draft:

2009-07-07T23:23:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with a shuken head
my eyes were still heavy with the dream of my death.
I was laying there, in the finest suit i'd ever worn
people around me shedding tears of depression
deep down inside I could feel my restless soul
rise up above me and see the saddened people
and just like once upon a time you stood out among the crowd.
We grew older and far a part from one another
but through your salty tears I could see your aching heart
Oh, where your wrinkles came from, i will never know
and where your brown hair once swayed, now lays the grey

But to me-ee you look quite the same
to the dead man here you'll always be his fondest memory,

And to me-ee you look just the same
from the last time we parted and I would go insane

There no worse thing out there than a finding love
and to never know the pleasure of our intertwining hands
locking and feeling our hearts beat together
or your soft skin sooth away all my woes

and to me-ee you look quite the same,
though i've change, I can assure you darling you never fled my mind.

And to me-ee you look just the same,
your mournin' black dress makes my depression disappear.

Holding you close would of melted away my body
leaving my love exposed to everyone
hoping you take my love and always hold it close
maybe that's what i should have done from the get go.

But here I lie dead, with a restless soul
hoping your love will join me soon.

Early/Mid-90's car. Sunny. Warm. Driving. Nothing to look at outside.

2009-07-06T22:42:00.000-07:00

1. yeah, but if life were simple then you'd probably be able to openly admit that you love me and deep down inside you know you won't need any one else. But you could say that that's the whole appeal to life, you get to figure shit out for yourself - you know?

2. You love me?

1. Well, Yeah. . . I knew the whole time. I saw you walking across from me once and life clicked from that point on, even the fucked up parts. Now that I say it out loud, I kinda feel like Lao Tzu.

2. Wno?

1. Lao Tzu. The guy behind Taoism. There's this old story about Lao Tzu, the founder guy, his wife dies, right? Well around his time in china it's purely a confucian society - so it's nothing but rules and regulation and rituals and what's "proper". Anyway, his wife's dead and the Confucian way of paying respects is to wait three days and then dress in all black and trek your posses' asses to visit the poor guy. So Lao Tzu lives on top of a hill or mountain - like every other ancient chinese guy right? haha. Like I was saying, so the a bunch of high up confucian guys get together and make the hike up to Lao Tzu's house. When they get there they're amazed to see Lao Tzu butt naked, dancing and singing around a fire - like some crazy guy. The confucian guys ask what the fuck is up with him, he looks like an insensitive son of a bitch right? Lao Tzu replies by saying "You should have visited me when my wife died in my arms as i tried to nurse her back to health. When I was too sad to move or eat or drink anything. When I was covered in salty tears and the solid earth beneath me turned into mud, where I slept and mourned for three days. Now, after these sad days have realized that this is the way of the Tao and I should be happy that she has moved on, forever flowing with the Tao." I guess what I'm leading to is the feeling of the fucked up, there truly is none. It all feels right. It feels like it's all supposed to happen. Thats why before we find love we have things that piss us off but post-love that shit doesn't matter, it all feels like puzzle pieces dropping into their place, perfectly - without effort. Love is like the Tao in its greatness and ineffability, but most of all in it's feeling.

2. And what does that feel like?

1. You know.

Sunday night before last

2009-06-30T13:41:00.000-07:00

"There was a time that this wasn't called 'Hop-Hop', it was just shit you did."
- Futura

I started to write an entry about this that took up a few pages in my notebook almost bashing people who do "Hip-Hop Choreography". Then I realized that 90% of you won't get it. So I'll leave you with the quote that storm told us at story tellers night. This quote simmered in my head for a long while and will stay with me. Thanks Storm.

Thoughts manifested from conversation between StormKo, Optic, Mars, Drah, Bookum and I.

Monday Morning

2009-06-30T13:28:00.000-07:00

The morning was overcast with a few rays of light here and there. I decided to go for a run. The air felt dense with heat. When I came back home I bade D'Artagnan good morning and washed away my sweat. I watched sixteen candles and ate soyrizo. The mood struck me to write so I put music on, "Little Joy" to be exact, and lit a candle. The sky had grown cloudier since my run and i stared at the clouds to find a character, a scene, something. The air turned cool in a summer way and heavy drops of rain began to fall. Dispersed among each other significant enough to make a hush sound. It was in between a sprinkle and a rain as the spanish red roof tiles grew in red intensity among the grey clouds and black asphalt. The scene was so beautiful that it made me want to reach over to hold your hand, though I am alone. If i could reach over all the houses and trees, all the streets and people to find your hand waiting for mine, I would. To find your fingers locked with mine, I would.

Grandpa

2009-06-29T14:47:00.000-07:00

"You're in a grassy field. There are a few flowers, but mostly grass. It's completely flat. You look up and see the sun, bright and dizzying. As you stare at the sun you notice something falling. It comes closer and you realize it's a snake with a giant head; circling down toward you. As it falls closer it opens it mouth wide to eat you. "What's going on? What are you doing?" You ask the great snake and it replies "I am your mother." Just then you see her. "I am here to guide you and protect you from all the bad that hails from this land." You look up again from where the snake had fallen from and you see the sun is on it's way to meet the earth. A strange light sings to you from the gap that is left between the sun and earth. A melody so sweet and mysterious. You walk toward the light but as you walk it retracts, slowly. You begin to walk faster and faster and faster until you are running. The light retracts faster and faster and faster until it is completely fleeting. There is no more soft grass underneath you, only coarse, rough sand. As you begin to perspire the desert twilight haunts you. Your paranoia increase as you gasp for air. The cacti are plotting against you, so are the mice and tumble weeds. Night grows and the stars show their light off to you, teasing you. As the sun sinks into the distant earth you begin to cry. The light you chased after remains in your thoughts and you are left with nothing. You curse the sun and the earth, the night and the mother. You curse the teasing light of the stars and plotting tumble weeds. You fall to your knees, crying. Then you look down to see the most beautiful, simple thing. beyond words and imagination it is there - for you."

news

2009-06-25T14:12:00.001-07:00

So i've finally finished my first draft of my kids book. It took a while to let the thoughts simmer but i finally got it done. I'm planning to print out a copy and bring it to story-tellers night for some criticism. Thoughts that i have about it already is that it's very short, it's about 10 pages. I could do more but I really would like some constructive criticism first then I can make additions and divisions. Also, I've revisited an old project idea from 2007 and am making it to a full blown project. I'm excited for this one, but it can be devastating if i don't take my time with it. I'll be planning to pitch this to the story tellers as well as some other people. My last project is that of my Alter ego's blog. I'm waiting for some criticism for my last update. I wanted to open this one open but since people have been unresponsive it looks like i'll just be working on this alone and i'll be deleting the blog. I'll give it another week to see if this lights any asses on fire. It's also because i've been busy so I haven't been able to focus enough on the A.E.'s but this next couple of weeks should be pretty filled with free-time. Just wanted to update everyone on what was going on.

2009-06-15T21:20:00.001-07:00

This doesn't have to do with my other blog, but it's written in the same format. I had this flash of an idea and this is what came out:

After an eventful battle.

Captain: What are you smiling about soldier?

Soldier: We won, cap't. They're dead, and the one's that ain't are gunne be.

Captain: Is that so?

Soldier: Yes sir.

Captain: What do you see there soldier?
:: Points to dead body, opposing army::

Soldier: I see a dead muther fucker cap't
:: Begins to chuckle::

Captain: ::Emotional punch, soldier on back::
::Raise voice::
What do you see soldier?

Soldier: ::Confused::

Captain: ::Screaming::
This! This is all of us! We're all, already dead mother fuckers with lead and pistols!
:;Breathing hard::
Walking dead, killing. Doing the devils work 'cause some congressman, some president - No, 'cause some real sick mother fucker told us to. There is no such thing as winning soldier, only more killing. Were just playing a politicians game; a battle royal. The last men standing get a metal and an applause. Well, do you know the difference between that dead muther fucker and the survivors is? The metal.

2009-06-10T12:56:00.000-07:00

I made another blogspot. my approach is a little different than this one.
I'll still be using this one for updates, random writing, etc. etc.. Hence the name of the blog. No worries.

http://writingofmes.blogspot.com/

Outlier

2009-06-09T23:02:00.000-07:00

I write a lot. As a matter of fact tonight i was going to go to a Denny's or Diner of some sort and take my notebooks with me so I could write. I write a lot on my blog and my notebooks, and I would love to share all of it to the world but I can't. I've been writing a lot more personal stuff lately, stuff about love and other subjects rather than simple fiction. The reason I can't post stuff that I write down is because it's too personal and I don't mind sharing it. People are afraid of what they read if it reveals too much about a person. Especially if that person is closely related to them, in one way or another. Then all hell breaks loose because people read way too much into your shit and think that your a fucking ass hole, or a depressed looney. Then don't consider it's just a creative outlet, oh no not with all these fucking statistic's out about johnny and suzy and how fucked up they are. Everyone's an expert. Plus, everyone who encourages you or say that they want you to write some more only want you to write the stuff they want to read, what they think is pleasent or what they consider a "good read" or whatever the fuck they want. Otherwise it's no use and, again, you just turn into some kind of fucking looney. I'm not johnny, I'm not dick and I'm sure as hell ain't suzy or betty. I'm Alex, so fuck all of you - go analyze that.

2009-05-24T18:53:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to say Hi to my Blog.

Hi.

Awww...

2009-05-20T20:25:00.001-07:00

So i wrote my final film paper on what dreams may come (the movie) and Plato's theory of forms, as you may recall from a previous post. Go ahead, recall... ok, i got it back and i have to rewrite what she wrote on my paper and what she told me.
This is what she wrote:

"Your paper literally took my breath away . . .
SO articulate, intelligent, informative and very very interesting. I am so happy you found a way to combine the things you love in such a paper. You have given me so much HOPE in your generation (not that i "lost" hope or anything but you have multiplied it!) I cannot thank you enough for this magnificent paper. A++"

I didn't know that my writing could have such an impact on someone. Though i do write often, i never would have though it could have reached someone so. I feel honored and blessed. I am very happy.

What the Fuck happened?

2009-05-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

I am a young man of a curious nature. I often find myself questions out of an ordinary blue or grey day. Just now i asked myself a question and compelled to write about it.
I was thinking about friends, like i often do, and i ask myself
"What the fuck happened?"
I've always felt like the odd man out with every group of my friends except one: Sophomore-Junior Year Daryll, Ryan, Josiah crew. No matter what we did we would do it together, no one would ever be left out. Phone calls would be made and aim messages would be exchanged. Heaven and hell them selfs bowed before us. Then we separated.
There are many people that par-take in the exchange of name calling with me, one of these names would be friends. The people who i do consider my friends i tend to feel to most left out of. Julius is off to Irvine, Elliot in Fullerton going on Chicago. Joseph and Anthony live close, but i never see them or talk to them. Daryll always says he'll call me back but doesn't. Ryan, who knows. Josiah, we've lost touch. Andrew, c'mon we all know the answer to than one. What ever happened to hanging out? Of coarse i'm not oblivious to the fact that there is work to be done, school to be attended and properly studied for, and future wives to be wooed. But what ever happened to hanging out? Or, do they hang out? I do find often that my name doesn't usually make it to the call list for one reason or another. But i wonder if i am so different that this is the reason for it all? Is my humor so foreign? is my style so strange? Is my taste in music and movies so wild? is it the way i speak? or the things i speak of?
What ever happened to wanting to hang out and doing something about it?

I can't help but to ask questions when it comes to friends. The inner philosopher comes out with these pending thoughts and only makes an analytical game of the whole thing. I wonder.

The Words I Write, The Words I Speak

2009-05-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

No one who has ever come to know me would ever suspect the trouble I go to speak and write. You see I am unique in a way that makes me almost handicapped in speaking and writing, which in turn affects my very thoughts. When i write the letters I create are so fond of each other they begin to giggle. Playfully, they will laugh and flirt and - with out any good reason - they push and shove. As a matter of fact they are so playful that they even switch their own positions for new ones. Just last night i was writing some notes and re-read them to myself to find that the word "anyway" was completely in shambles. The word was a concentration camp of shits and giggles, mind you all i could decipher was the tails on the Y's; and even those were begin to par take in the fun. To see my, otherwise finely structured bodies of thought and creativity to go to waste because of, i don't know, love or stupidity - though i hardly find a difference between the two. Whats worse, the letters and words i create laugh at the very sight of other papers. They laugh at their uptight bodies and nazi like stances. Those free-spirited bastards, i truly need to be more strict with them but can't find the heart to put them in their proper shape. For, when i do i realize that they are drunk with merry. Amongst everyone they laugh and sing and even dance, especially the E's. Oh the E's dance and love to sing and i'm quite sure they find them self a bit love struck with H. Not to mention the love triangle between B, O and T. Oh and have i told you how R, U, and V love to try and trick me by disforming their bodies so to look like each other - i find it more of a jealousy act than anything else. At any rate that is my pleasure and everyone elses curse, to write illegibly but to write with such joy and pleasure that even my letters carry my message - very literally.

Bull Shit.

2009-05-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

So i'm writing my final paper for my art class: History of film. I had to write my own question and pick my on movie and i really was having trouble with this because i wanted to 1) challenge myself 2) make a good question my teacher would be impressed with. So i thought and thought and said:

In the movie “What Dreams May Come” there is a distinction between heaven and earth. In Plato’s theory of forms there is, also, a distinction of two parallel worlds; the world of becoming and the world of being. Consider heaven and hell as a world of it’s own and analyze the connection between that world and plato’s world of being.

:] Biggest load of crap ever, i already know the answers too but i did have to put a ok amount of research effort into it so i feel pretty good about it, but the more and more i write about it the easier it's becoming. Nice.
In other news:
I bought the 100 best classics of all times c.d. ( i do love my classical music)
Soulshaker Vol. 5, which i think i'll burn a copy for Mane, i'm sure he's gunna like it.
Peaceful, The world lays me down by Noah and the Whale.
I'm not particular impressed with this cd, but i am highly satisfied. I do like my up-beat folksie music and they deliver. So far. I've ony listened to half of the album as of right now.
I'm off to read then go to class.

Sleep, sprinkle your sand over my eyes

2009-05-10T22:59:00.000-07:00

I have come across one of the most dreaded feelings man has ever had to face, being wide awake at 11:00p.m. and knowing that it's not going o change for a while. How sad. In other news i've finished my latest Haruki Murakami book "South of the Border, West of the Sun" and i bought a new nook today by John Steinback called "Travels with Charley in Search of America". It is a delightful book but tonight i've found myself anxious, for what - i have no idea. That's actually why i;m not reading now. Should i go walk the dog? Go out for a bike ride? Listen to music and simmer in my decision? Go out to Lestat's for coffee? Call someone? Who would be up at this time of night? These are the questions i ask myself as Jane liu's Surrija plays softly in the background. Coffee, Movie, Dog, Bike, Company. I don't feel my writing veins particularly, nor am i attentive enough to read a book. What to do, what to do.

Biking California

2009-05-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

I'm extremely serious when i say this to everyone who reads this:

I'm going to bike across california. I'm taking a bike, a backpack, little bit of clothes, cash/debit card, a couple of notebooks to chronicle my journey. I'd much rather go with someone so please tell me if you're interested, i wanted to do it next year, probably late january or february - if i'm confident that i am ready. I guess that i will spend a month doing this. I want to spend time in each and every city, staying at hostels or cheap motels, exploring and meeting new people and new experiences. If you're interested on joining me, then please tell me. Thanks.

Serene Sunday

2009-05-03T17:53:00.000-07:00

Today I spent with my grandparents, Mom and Sister and their significant others. We ate breakfast burritos and talked. Afterwards my mom, richard and I went to IKEA because she's been asking me when i'm fixing my room up. I've got a lot of brilliant ideas that are waiting to be executed, but i think i'll wait until next month - when school is over. Now that i've come back I was, naturally, hungry. I saw an old ciabatta bread that i bought and thought i should use it before it gets any worse. I Split that bitch up and put in the toaster oven - then i saw the boysenberry preserves in the fridge and knew what i was going to make. I grabbed the chunky Peanut butter some honey and a knife. WHile the bread was toasting i made a fruit salad consisting of Mango, Strawberry, Melon, and pineapple. I put it all together and took my lunch upstairs to my room. I put on Ella Fitzgerald and layed down with my Lunch/Dinner. And as i bite down into my sandwich, i see the gooping gobs of jelly and peanut butter slide down the bread onto the plate and listen to the amazing voice of Ella. Next to me, theres a pretty big window looking out at the trees, rooftops, and a single light post. I cant help but to share this wonderful meal with you all. Maybe this is the subtle sound Ella is making to me, but i wish i could share this beautiful moment with someone. Not a word spoken but to appreciate the greatness in life and all it's wonderous ups and downs. Oh how i wish. What a wonderful Sunday.

Health and Happiness

2009-05-02T11:47:00.000-07:00

So i've been hearing about "Thisiswhyyourefat.com" and it's pretty funny. The foods we love to eat because they're disgusting in any other form. There's a lady who is the Author of a few vegan cook books and has her own blog, she made the blog "thisiswhyyourethin.com" to try and encourage more and more people to live healthier lives. As you may all know, i'm not one to preach so i'm gunna say this quick: being healthy is not that bad and really really really good and easy - most of the time. for example: vegan food. Sounds nasty and may bring up some disturbing images but really, it's not that bad. Like Vegan pie or smoothies or anything really are easy to make and require no cooking most of the time. Goneraw.com is a cool site that has recipes for raw vegans (meaning no cooking required, only blending) and its fucking delicious. That's it. Healthy = fun and easy. love, alex.

Humanity is a Hell of a Drug.

2009-04-27T15:07:00.000-07:00

My good friend Alex and I were having a interesting conversation about humanity not too long ago. We were talking whether there was any hope for humanity or not and we both agreed that there wasn't much. He says if he didn't have his religion he would have no Faith what so ever in man and i say if i didn't have this tattoo on my arm i'd feel about the same way. Everyday You here about a war or a "Over Seas Contingensy Operation" or some type of cultural rape or people lying to a massive amount of people. Money, Corruption, Power, Greed. It's quite sad, i'm not exactly sure who has total and complete faith in human kind. I place my faith in the fact that the only things that are truly mine are my thoughts and my actions, and thus it is up to me to live the life i want to live and it is nobodies fault or reason but mine that i get what i get and i have what i have. I place my faith in the hope that if i am kind to one person that one person will be kind to another and so on, so i try to be kind in all the things i do. I have hope that if i lead my life as an example of compassion and kindness for all to see that people can look up to me with a new sense of desire to change for the better so that way i can truly say that i have done everything that i can to help others. I'm not exactly why i wrote this, but i did. On another note, i'm craving a danish.

I Miss

2009-04-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

my crew. Just hanging out with them, not worrying about every ones own agenda, not worrying about the next battle but just hanging out. Dancing for the sake of dancing and being close to the floor as well as to each other. Now, no one can set a side a couple hours for anyone else - only if by chance do 2 people have free time they can chill together. I think that's pretty sad as well as pathetic. It seems to me that everyone is changing, losing sight of - not priorities- but what really matters to ones very soul, to ones youth, to their heart.

I re-read this and it sounds like a bunch of mumbo-jumbo but it really expresses how i feel. So i'll keep it the way it is, un-edited. With all the stupid diction like "heart" and "soul" to mean a deeper emotion, one that cannot be described. To be left up to interpretation by each individual - which i doubt they would even give the effort. I'm getting off my soap box and going to eat Honey Bunches of Oat and for some strange reason I'm craving milk tea? Coconut. Mmmm.

This goes out to both of my crews:
Funkadelic Mischief
and Cypher City Kings.

insomnia

2009-04-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to fall asleep lately.
Saturday night i was tired and happy from a whole day of fun, so i fell asleep with my soul at peace and a smile on my face. But come Sunday i couldn't fall asleep and so on and so forth 'til tonight which i still find myself surplussed with every type of tired except the one that is most necessary. I've been looking at old poetry that inspired me ever since i began to read: Pablo Neruda.

Me Gusta Cuando Callas

Me gusta cuando callas porque estas como ausente,
y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te toca.
Parece que los ojos se te hubieran volado
y parece que un beso te cerrar la boca.

Como todas las cosas estan llenas de mi alma,
emerges de las cosas, llena del alma mia.
Mariposa de sueno, te pareses a mi alma,
y te pareces a la palabra melancolia.

Me gusta cuando callas y estas como distante.
Y estas como quejadonte, marisopa en arrullo.
Y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te alcanza:
dejame que calle con el silencio tuyo.

Dejame que te habla tambien con tu silencio
claro como una lamara, simple como anillo.
Eres como la noche, callada y constelada.
Tu silencio es de estrella, tan lejano y sencillo.

Me gustas cuando callas porque estas como ausente.
Distante y dolorosa como si hubieras muerto.
Una palabra entonces, una sonrisa bastan.
Y estoy alegre, alegre de que no sea cierto.

Pablo Neruda

2009-04-21T15:32:00.000-07:00

There was once an odd story of quite an old man - that - I - will - share - with - you.
He was very strange and always - knew - the - truth.
He had black hair and small blue eyes - he - couldn't - tell - a - lie.
Now the story begins in his home - as - he - arises - from -bed.
The moon was bright and the night was dark - and - he - could not - see - a - thing.
For the fog was thick and his tummy was rumbling - he - left - to - get - some - food.
Sadly enough he checked his kitchen and - it - was - completely - empty.
He had a strange craving for some meat so - he - left - his - house.
As he walked out he had a strange feeling - of - death - and - destruction.
he checked his watch and it read - three - in - the - after - noon.
He found this strange and looked up - there - stood - a - boy.
he said: "Hey there boy, do you have the time" - and - he - would - not - respond.
As the boy shuffled closer the man grew colder - he - was - in - dismay.
he could not believe his very eyes - he - began - to - run - for - his - life.
Before he ran the boy jumped at his throat - and - he - ripped - it - apart.
His teeth ripped through his neck and - there - was - blood - everywhere.
The boys mouth was covered in blood and - the - old - mans - throat.
So there he was hungry no more - killed - by - the - boy.
and so you ask what of the boy - no - one - really - knows.
He could be alive to this very day - craving - for - some - more.
Hiding in secrecy in the thick mist - waiting - for - his - hunger.
Driven with hunger, this psycho path - will - kill - more.
and more and more and more more more more - and - more - and - more.
and more and more AND MORE!!! (Transition to psychotic laugh)

So i got really bored today at the library because i let my earphones at home so i decided to write n my blog and it dissapointed me that i left my earphones at home so i started to write randomly and this song came out. it's a nursery rhyme, very gothic and creepy. I hope you guys like it.

Sunday, April 18, 2009

2009-04-19T10:46:00.000-07:00

To my friends Phineas Mollod & Jason Tesauro,
I would like to personally and publicly thank you. If i do say so myself: I out did myself. Also, I would like to thank you for inspiring my interest, if not passion, for gentleman behavior and etiquette. It has driven me to feel, for the lack of better words, inspired. I feel like writing again because of you two and another very special person. Hope all is well.

Your Friend,
Alexandro J. Calderon

Honesty in review

2009-04-15T21:54:00.001-07:00

I've been living in a new house for a few months now. Ever since i could remember it's been me, my mom and my sister - no one else. My sister lives with her boyfriend now and my mom and I live with her boyfriend, Richard. My mom gives me about the same amount of attention she did before, maybe a tiny less because she's been working extra hard lately, but you get the jist of it. When people come to my house they ask me "how do you like your new house?" and all i can reply with is: "It's a house, not a home." I was always proud to show off my old house to everyone, i would eagerly invite everyone over - even if it were to say hi for a moment. Now i don't find that urge at all. I honestly don't give a rat's ass about this house. My mom asks Richard if she can make him anything to eat and i say to myself "why the fuck are you asking him that?" I guess I'm still getting used to "sharing" my mom - don't think i'll ever get used to it and i don't think i'll ever like this house, or Richard even.
I think about it and i think I'm acting like a little kid, i should grow up and know that it's my mom's happiness that matters and the reason i lied to my mom about being o.k. with it was for that same reason - for her. But god damn it she's my mom; mine.
I'm also having doubt about going to S.F. lately. I don't know why I'm going anymore. I'm not sure if it's because I'm running away from this whole situation or if it's because i don't know what else to do. My mom is having money trouble for various reasons and so is my dad. I want to go but not for the wrong reasons and if i stay i don't want to stay for the wrong reasons as well. Whhat ta do mah fruiend?

Update

2009-04-14T23:31:00.000-07:00

I've been checking all my online stuffs and realized that i haven't really updated anyone. Not that there's anyone to update, i hardly think any one reads this other than Criselle, Maika, and Storm. OH WELL! Anyway, I've been hard at work with practice. I've actually felt improvement for the first time in a very long time this previous monday which is exciting. So exciting that i wanted to do more today at culture shock and ended up pulling my calf :[ Either way, I'm still excited about monday and i'm even more excited for this saturday because 1) i get to teach my class again and it's gunna be hell for those little girls and 2) I'm happy/excited beyond any phenomenal belief for what's happening afterwards. Oh yeah, and this past weekend i went to Irvine to visit Julius and friends. Gladly i met some new friends and saw some previous ones too which was awesome. Not sure what else has been happening . . . oh yeah, i finally bought new music!
New Order - Power, Corruption, and Lies
Vampire Weekend - Title Debut
Her Space Holiday - XOXO, Panda and the New Kid Revival

I don't regret any single purchase which is great news. Other than that i've been simply happy.

W.O.D.

2009-04-06T11:10:00.000-07:00

This weekend i headed up to pomona to hang out with Erriot and Julius "likes it up the butt" Villanueva and to compete in World Of Dance. It was a real fun competition and we got surprised by Joseph's family, Victoria, and my main man Ronnel. Unfortunantly we didn't get far, we got robbed (in my opinion) by the boogie brats crew. No regrets though because those are a bunch of the cutest and coolest kids around, luckily they made it pretty far - congrat's. Toward the end of the competition there was a heated cypher battle between Kamel and the rest of the boogie brats, casper, and smurf vs. flo master, steelo, crumbs, and some other cats that i can't remember that we apparently started. Wow. Honor. We didn't see it to an end but there was some sort of resolution - think. After the battle was the best though, Elliot, Ryan, and i got del taco and just chilled and headed back to Elliots place while the rest of the crew hung out at the jam. When we finally all met up i was beat and just went to sleep while Joseph got rapped. The day after we took our sweet time getting up and getting ready. Ronnel came over and we ate at this rad ass place, not sure what it was called but they had some real good tea and veggie wraps. We still had some cravings so we ate some fro-yo and then went on our way to FLO MASTERS house. That's right... be jealous. We hung out with him, his wife and the most beautiful little girl i've ever seen. She's gunna be a real heartbreaker - sorry guys, she's not allowed to date until she's 85. Flo is a great guy, real funny, down to earth, and very kind. His wife is beautiful, pregnant, and her hospitality is awesome. It was a very good visit, i got a chance to play and color with his daughter - i think its kira? while everyone else talked and chilled with flo and his wife. I found out flo's real name... including his middle name! If i ever repeated it i think he'd show up and kill me so i'm not but it's priceless. After the all inspiring visit to flo's we left and helped cleaned Elliot's place. I was beginning to get extremely hungry so we ate taco bell before heading back to Cypher City. It was an amazing trip with the whole crew! Most importntly we all discussed on the things that we really need to work at and for me it's:

- Stamina
- Levels of Footwork
- Taking more oppertunities to battle
- Getting my confidence up
- Helping my comfort zone to leave practice and being alone

The W.B.

2009-04-01T15:43:00.000-07:00

Writer's Block . . . for the past fucking year! what the fuckkk!?!??! argh . . .
deep breath. It'll come i just have to be patient.
I honestly don't remember the last time I wrote something down that i really inspired.
Just a small vent, i really feel like writing but nothing comes out.
I'm just gunna retreat to my ideas on small pieces of torn up paper.

Just wait.

IHOP and Bikes.

2009-03-30T03:45:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrated Joseph's birthday with a huge group of people. I'll spare you details from the morning but i will start around 2:00 wen we met up. Oh yeah we didn't meet up until 3:00 because everyone was LAGGING! :] Anyway, we went to buy our suits for World Of Dance, i got black adidas firebird track suit. We wentto take some photos and video's around downtown, we got kicked out of the front of a federal building, but it was alright we needed to get to dinner anyway at Dicks last resort. Dyno got punked around the most, which we all loved. Afterwards we took some photos and video with Erriot. After all was said and done we parted and i got in my car and realized i didn't eat all friggin day so i went to IHOP because i was craving Chocolate Chip Pancakes. The waiter was noncholont and i didn't give a shit. I brought a small notebook and a old ass pen and started to pour my feelings down in ink, then the food and coffee came and i started to munch away. Afterwards i got home and tried to go straight to sleep - but i couldn't even though i was really tired. So i decided to go on a bike ride that took approximatly an hour and a half...a little more actually, almost two hours. I still wanted to ride, but i didn't wanna be sore for todays ride/session. I would tell you what i thought and felt on the ride but really you would have to be there with me to experience it, and the things i thougt abut were profoundly personal so . . . no. Anyone is more than welcome to go on a ride with me though, the more the merrier. Actually, i feel like i should share my experience so please, if you wanna - come on with me. it'll be fun. Now i gatta take a shower so i can get all the snot out of my nose and into bed.

I (Left my heart) in S.F.

2009-03-24T14:56:00.000-07:00

We left to S.F. on friday night, it was supposed to be at 9-ish but ended up being 11-ish. The ride up was lonely seeing that EVERYONE FELL ASLEEP THE WHOLE WAY! -_- I just sang along to my own songs, trying to keep myself awake. We got to Paulos around 6 and all i heard was "oh man..i wish i could have gotten a little more sleep, i'm tired!!!" FUCK YOU GUYS! lmao. it was all good fun, i love my crew - they're fucking best. Anyway, after all that fun the jam was probably the most fun i've had in a real long time. Some up-and-coming bay area cats called me, dyno, and nasty out. It was tight, mad props o them for holding up. After the 15th or 16th round i had to step out to vomit (i had to because i got 4 hours of sleep an di didn't eat at all because Paulo's mom made us some chicken soup. /)_- )Anyway, afte that i went a few more round then the battles got on their way. We said whats up to Paulskee and we saw some dope people getting down. Big shout out to Lancer, Eranetic, Wacko, and poe 1ne. We went to eat at IHOP and went to the hotel to get some shut eye. After all that we went to eat some "continental breakfast" ehich means bagels and ugly cream cheese. We walked around S.F. but we didn't get to go to SFSU =( i really wanted to check out the campus and talk to one of the rep's. Next time i guess. The way back was super fun as well because cck actually satayed up to keep me company! would you look at that!?! Wow, thanks for gracing me with your conscienceness. We went to eat some pea soup which we all unaniously agreed that it wasn't that good, but at least e tried it. The night didn't end there because we picked up and dropped Kayla off at the Airport so she can go back to stupid Kansas. Hi Kayla. Then we went to eat at IHOP again? And all that is a secret....LMFAOSDBFLSHDGKJSGFKSGFVDSFGVKSTFGVWKTSG HAHAHAHAHA!

A Jam

2009-03-18T17:43:00.000-07:00

Theres a jam that i've been talking to my crew members and talking to Mane about, i want to call it "The Cypher City Concrete Classic".

There will be no competition, only some real funky music that people can just get down to. I invision it being held at a old basketball court, with some people bringing food on the side (probably not, this is something i inda just put out there). What I really imagine though is like an old school party, with a bunch of trucker hats, wind breakers, 5 o'clock shadows, beenies, pumas, adidas, fat laces, people just getting down on concrete like i like doing. When i feel like getting down and i can't sleep, i go out to the middle of the road outside my house - not much cars passing by at 3 in the morning - and just getting down to whatever my laptop plays. I really want to do a jam like this in the summer, around July. Anyone think it's a good idea? constructive crticism anyone? Advice? Think you know a good place this can happen at? share and be thanked my friends.

Jack Of All Trades

2009-03-15T18:32:00.000-07:00

Cypher City Kings threw a jam yesterday called Jack of all trades. It included a new competition concept which the jam served as a testing ground for. It did quite well, Julian of Infinant Mischief won. (Actually, not sure if that crew still even fucking exist but whatever i'm writing it in. lawl) and Mad the Villin won the Cypher King award. (who i think happens to be one of the dopest bboys out there, also reppin the Illinist Villins crew who also happen to be one of the baddest mutha fuckin crews out there) The turn out was ok, but i wish it was better. I'm not exactly sure how we could have promoted more, i'm still pondering on this. I was sad to see not a lot of the older bboys came out, i think our battle concept could have been beneficial to them even and, dare i say, fun. There was some controversy with how the judging worked, but that all got squashed in the cypher LIKE IT SHOULD BE DONE!!!! Mad respect to the Illinist Villins Crew b.t.w. Anyway, the concept was new so i'm sure the judges had a little bit of confusion but we will be continuously working on this to make it better and refine it to it's diamond form. Thanks to everyone who came out, all the competetors did great and i hope everyone had fun. If there are any questions, comments, or concerns please comment this page, our crew myspace, or sned a message.

Hospital Food

2009-03-14T13:42:00.000-07:00

I've been in the hospital since Tuesday because my grandfather had a heart attack. I left tuesday night because they didn't let me stay the night, so i went to practice to change my scenery and it was ok. Drove around imperial beach for a few hours then headed home. After that i stayed with my grandpop's for the rest of his night in the hospital. He had two surgery's and the doctors had nothing but hopes, statistics weren't on our side apparently. We moved from the Chula Vista Scripps hospital to the one in La Jolla, and my whole family was there - Tia Patty, Tia Maria, Mom, Richard, Alexis, Danielle, and Grandma. We went down to the Cafeteria to get some breakfast and we had a conversation for at least 2 hours. It was awesome, being the youngest in my family i don't get much of a say in anything, especially conversations. For some reason it was different in the hospital on that day, i taught my Tia Maria about Buddhism and Taoism, i told my Ta Patty about my plans for school and the future. We all ended up taling about taking shower, shits, and being naked. it was an awesome 2 hour conversation that we all par-took in. My grandfather finally came back home on Friday night. My grandma still had so much on her mind i took her out to eat Mexican food where we used to have Sunday brunch all the time. My granddaddy is alive, well, and home which makes me extremely happy, i honestly cannot describe.

Fun Weekend in Irvine

2009-03-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

I had an awesome weekend - spending time with old and new friends alike. My main reason behind going to Irvine was to take a mini-vacation and spend time with Julz, Maika, and Criselle. I came across some cool new people like Ken, Victor (THE FUCKING MAN), B.B.A., Lucia (but i only saw her for a too brief moment), and some other fresh cats that i can't remember their names. Watched Watchmen, which I'm preparing a full-review on, because it's fucking bad ass movie and since i've taken my film class i've been inspired to write more reviews and decipher meanings of movies and the like. Anyway, i come back at 3 in the morning and 5 hours later i find myself at the dentist - no cavities or anything wrong :] but not 10 minutes ago i got a call from Dyno with some disturbing news. Still - my weekend was fun, and looking forward to my next visit to Irvine.

Good Night Stars ( Wet Stars)

2009-03-05T23:19:00.000-08:00

I had the sudden urge to dance today. This happens often, but this is the first time in a long, very long, time that i've actually followed this urge. i changed and went outside my door, to my driveway - which, now that i think about it, should be called a parkway - and danced. My laptop played random JB's tunes and i let my feet swing and my palms solemnly touched the floor. I got so tired that i ended up laying flat on the ground and i looked up at the stars. Next thing I knew I was drinking water, and i was still flat on the ground. A little of the water slipped from my mouth and down my cheek to my chin and, making it's way down to the cement. it soon found itself among the compony of more droplets, and more and more and more. I was laying down, on the cement, drinking from a bottle of water, submerged in water - almost completely. As more and more droplets slipped from my mouth, down my cheek, and ever so slightly raising the water level until I was completely submerged in it. I kept looking up at the stars and saw Orion's belt and some bubbles. I was at the bottom of an ocean looking up at stars while drinking water from a plastic bottle. "That's weird." As I lifted myself up, I blinked - i was in a Japanese classroom being used for a beginning spanish class. There was a blond head of hair in front of me, and a wooden desk beneath me. I looked down to the spanish text book and i saw a drop or three of water, thinning and wearing the page on their particular spots - I pressed paused on my laptop and walked back inside.

Shave

2009-03-05T18:39:00.000-08:00

So i finally shaved after 2 1/2 weeks of not shaving, and i realized that i have an acne problem. Wah wah... I've always had one, actually, but it almost went away for a long while then i grew out my jungle and now it's back. Dang. In cooler news i got an A- in my communication class. I really don't have much to say, i just felt like writing in this thing.

Hip-Hop as plural, not linear. Addressing Hip-Hop history.

2009-03-04T10:54:00.000-08:00

I've thought of the subject of "hip-hop" everyday of the last 4 years. I am a BBoy and active in the San Diego Hip-Hop Community, I teach BBoy/BGirl classes for several dance studios, and i am a college student - yet i know that teacher is just a name for a student who has different knowledge than your own. Through my on going adventures in Hip-Hop I've come to meet people of diverse styles, knowledge, wisdom, and opinion. The latter, I must emphasize. Opinion is a big deal in Hip-Hop, especially in the San Diego scene - mostly due to DJ Mane One, Judging of Battles, the concept of footwork and power moves and their defining lines, and history. In this post i would like to address History of Hip-Hop and it's variances.

The past 8 weeks I've been taking an online History of Jazz class. It's been an enlightening class and recommend it to anyone and everyone - i especially enjoyed Dr. Walton's lecture notes. Jazz has a history that causes much debate and speculation, this is because when people think of history they tend to think that it goes in a straight line - but truly, it doesn't. Especially in Jazz and, i propose, in Hip-Hop. You see, Jazz has a history of about 100 years, and out of jazz came Bebop, hard bop, cool jazz, fusion, smooth jazz, dixieland, New Orleans, Swing, Acid Jazz, and much much more. The above listed have sub-categories that are defined by period, person influenced by, person accredited to, musical complexity, and i can go on and on. You see, in Jazz history events don't happen, people happen.

How is this different from the history that we are exposed to everyday? After WW1 happen, it politically ended, the after math faded into the next event, and that event happened, it ended, then it faded into the next and, in this way, history happens in a infinite cycle. But in jazz it's not so easy. It's common to say that bebop came after swing. It's also common to say that bebop came from swing musicians experimenting with music in their repertory - but the misconception here is that after swing had it's place in history, people stopped playing it and forgot it. Actually, after swing had it's popularity taken away and more people began listening to bebop, musicians still played swing - it just so happen that one style of jazz had it's popularity and after a new style of jazz came out it became a little more popular of varying reasons. People still play swing to this day. So you see, history in this case isn't linear but it all happened at the same time as styles evolved through experimentation and talent - plural.

How does this connect to Hip-Hop and it's history? Well, I suggest that Hip-Hop happened in this exact same way - that it is plural. Before we can expand on this plurality there must be a common starting point that scholars and "Hip-Hoppers" (for a lack of better words) can all agree on. It is common place to say that Hip-Hop started in the Bronx and it's birthday is the day that Dj Kool Herc threw his first ever bloc party at 1520 Sedgwick and Cedar. Now, no one got together and said "Hey, on this specific day at this specific place let's create a cultural phenomena" - as far as we know, that is. It so happened that it happened. During this same time, the cultural phenomenon of Graffiti Art and Breakdancing were evolving from a deviant pass time to a form of cultural and social need. At this infamous bloc party all of these "elements" met and formed an awareness of each other - which encouraged communication, socialization, and networking among each other. Now that we have a common starting date we can say from here on that Hip-Hop history is plural.

In Hip-Hop history we find our selfs following DJing, emceeing, Breakdancing, and Graffiti (which some believe is a separate entity and shouldn't be included in the elements of Hip-Hop, but thats a discussion for another day). Now we can't say that djing or any of the other elements was conceived at any one place and time - people experimented with the things available to them whether it be a set of records, their own diction and the sounds they make, their own physical bodies, or a can of old krylon paint - but we can suggest when they became popular, and since the day they became popular we can also say what other events took place after people became aware of that particular "element"; through oral history, pictures, or even video records. I'm not particularly learned in Djing, Graffiti art, nor emceeing but i am in Breakdancing - so from now on i will apply my proposal to breakdancing and it's history.

The six-step is one of the first moves and concepts we learn today, but it wasn't an establish form until after Breakdancing was a formidable movement within the bronx. Proto-six-step's were recorded as "spuratic movements" and weren't seen until some time after Kool Herc's bloc party. How many record Breakdancing on begging is at the top rock - indian step, two step, etc. Now, this isn't saying that people weren't playing around with the concept of floor work it just wasn't shown until some time after the Kool Herc bloc party - and in this way we can see this is one of Breakdance histories first plurality. We can apply this concept of plurality through all of Breakdance history. We can see it today with emergences of different styles such as Circus and the ever going distinction between footwork and power and their alternating popularity.

Though this is only a suggest, i wish to hear constructive criticism on my essay and hope that everyone has enjoyed reading. Thank you all.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Feist

2009-02-26T18:19:00.000-08:00

So i was having my lunch at my usual spot, reading the SD City beat and listening to Feist's "The Reminder" Album (really good album b.t.w., but the bonus songs are kinda crap). Anyway, off topic, so i was sitting, eating, listening, and reading when my memory flashed me back to when i was in the car a couple of days ago listening to 94.9 and they were talking about Cochella. 94.9 always makes a big deal of this event and then i was thinking "the last time i heard this was..." and then i started to think that it's been a year since i last heard that commercial. Analyzing my year i was struck down again and again, it felt like i took one step to the side and two and half steps back since then. it made me disappointed in myself, though i did learn some very valuable lessons that i hope never to lose sight of. I'd say that i had a real crap year. I realized that many of those people i call friends, really aren't, which i've to see as a very good thing but a little sad. I also realized that here, I'm stuck in between an ocean and a desert - i don't belong here, now, and as passe as this may sound: I'm never going to find my self here. I'll never learn who i am here, in San Diego.

I'm running away this summer and I'm not looking back.

Hi Everybody

2009-02-12T14:42:00.000-08:00

I am listening to interpol and thought i should write in my blog now so I wanted to give a big shout out to all of the following people(In no particular order):

- Julius Villanueva

- Wade Gale

- Elliot Aquila

- Joseph "Dyno" Corrales

- Kayla Knight

- Elizabeth Tan

- Anthony "Kid Nasty" Manzon

- Ryan Walsh

- Angel I have no clue what your last name is

- Alejandro M. Ferratt

- Joann Carrera

- Mannie "Dj Mane one" Putian

- Ela Marie Dawn Marquez Loyola

- John G.

- Criselle C.

- Omar Godoy

- Sarah A.

- Martin Aguilara

Without you guys, i don't know who i'd draw my inspiration and happiness from but i do know it wouldn't even come close to what you guys do to me. Thank you, I love all of you. I am lucky, oh so lucky.

Abuelita

2009-02-08T21:13:00.000-08:00

Hey Grandma,

I hope you are doing well, where ever you are. I wanted to dedicate this to you because i wanted to say i love you and I'm sorry. I know i wasn't your favorite when I was a kid, i think my sister was your all-time favorite, because she grew up to be so beautiful and successful. She really is. I love you grandma, I'm sorry i never really made a lot of time for you, i always wanted to hear your story - i know it's quite tragic. You treated everyone like shit when they were growing up, you were a real hard ass haha. My dad, uncles, me, Danielle. Now that you are the way you are - were - everyone is banning together for you, you should feel proud. Even though we never really got to know each other i want to tell you i love you, and i am successful too. I'm a bit of fuck up in my eyes, but I'm doing a lot of good thing - I've done a lot of good thing - i continue to try and do good things. Todavia necesito a planchar un poco de mis problemas. Pero quiero a decir te que te amo abeulita, un monton. Orita, pienso que no tengo nadien, y es horrible. Sabo que tengo tu espirito conmigo, gracias.

Alexandro J. Calderon

List & Friend(s)

2009-02-03T03:38:00.000-08:00

Most listened CD's of January 2009:

Good News for those who like Bad News - Modest Mouse

French Cafe - Various (thanks capisci!)

Yankee Fox Trot Hotel - Wilco

Friends are always there, whether they may be flakers, awkward, or even distant. My philosophy on friendship: Once a friend, always a friend - and everyone is a friend. Simple, clean, not complicated.

and for anyone who isn't satisfied with this definition then one must remember; theirs always friends, and friends worth mentioning.

I can't fall asleep again. sunofabitch.

My Fucked up January. (a.k.a. Karma)

2009-02-01T03:46:00.000-08:00

Lets start from the beginning. I've been depressed since i was 8 years old, no point in keeping it a secret. My depression didn't get real bad until 10th grade, thats when i had bad thoughts of suicide. I had these thoughts until my second semester in college. Afterwards it was just me being unexplainably sad. I talked to Katrina all thought the summer, i dig her big time. After some complicated shit happening we end up together and i just fall in love with her. I think she is this perfect, beautiful goddess, who i am destened to be with. I haven't felt so strongly about a person in this way ever, and I'm excited to be in love. I forget about my depression and i just live life happily, with my girl: Katrina. Everything is going dandy, i tell her i love her the second day that we are together, I'm not afraid of shit at this point because I'm so excited and confident and happy for once. She says it too, and it was the happiest day of my fucking life. Everyday from that day on was the happiest day of my life, she made every day better and better and better and i love her. I'm so confident and happy that i ask her "do you really really love me?" and she says "yeah, i love you A LOT!!!!" "i think i'm be able to get some scholarships to go to ucla or sfsu, but i don't wanna take them" "why not?" she asks. "Because i wanna be with you, and i love you, and i won't be happy anywhere else, unless you come with me. and i know you have to stay at sdsu, so i wanna be there too. I just really, truly fucking love you" "i love you too". So i drop two full ride scholarships, one to ucla and one to sfsu, to stay with my girl. We go through some tough shit all at once, mind you, she gets her period which apperently makes her real bitchy, moody, and distant, her ex-boyfriend, Jason, try's to get at her, and i have a depression relapse all of a sudden. The period thing we gatta wait out - duh. Her ex trying to get back with her took a whole fucking week and a couple days, because she finally sat him down and told him to fuck off and let her be happy with me. My depression relapse, well...i try and talk to her about it but i find no solace. Every time i talk to her about it she distants herself from me, doesn't say a thing, or just changes the subject. So i end up bottling it in. Everything returns to normal for fucking finally.

Sunday - i go to her house, and everything is dandy. I her dad an awesome gift, her mom and i talk for like an hour about jazz, and we just sit and chill and talk with some cousins, and bordem hits every once in a while but it's all good - it's a family party, what do you expect? Everyone leaves and i chill for an hour or two and then go home because she gets super super tired all of a sudden. I get home and call her to tell her i got home safely, love you good night. She's knocked the fuck out.

Monday - i send her txt and call her but no response of any kind. Weird but ok. I get a txt saying that she wants her movie and camera back after i get off of work. I say ok, day goes on and no communication. My depression is hitting real hard since this morning, but i bottle it all up. I get off of work and she cancels. Weird. I go home and i can't sleep. No i love you's no communication. Real weird.

Tuesday - it's 2:34 a.m. and i can't sleep a wink. my depression is getting fucked and i start having these weird paranoid/anxious thought so i decide to snap out of it with a shower. I get a towel around my naked body and go to the bathroom. Close the door, reach for the shower knob and i start shaking unexplainably. My whole body,i can feel my heart jumping out, pumping all four chambers out of its place, and then i drop to the floor. I'm naked on the floor shaking, feeling like the room is collapsing, so i start to cry and scream except i feel my throst tighten so badly i feel like someones choking me and all i get is a squeel. I keep crying, my shaking lessens and it last for about 45 minutes. i run to my bedroom, under the sheets and start crying again, panicking. What the fuck just happened, did i just die? Hour pass by and i will my self out of the covers and start doing homework to take my mind off of it all. I go to my communications class then afterwards i get a txt. "can you come over to Amy's after class? we have to talk about something" The second i read this i run to my car, i can feel my heart pounding and i'm getting fucked up thughts again. I calm myself down by having a flashback of talking to Amy, "she loves you, unbeleivably" Shes not gunna break up with me or anything, that wouldn't make an sense, shes been in love with me since we first met, she told me herself. It's probably something else. Maybe she got drunk and cheated on me or maybe her ex try to make a pass at her and she gave in for a second or something. Anything. I get to amy's and she slithers her way out through the door. "Alex, you're a really nice guy. You're super sweet, but it's not working out. I cant be with you anymore." it happened, my nightmare, i tried to get an answer but she looked at me with a pissed off face and she just rolls her eyes. "I'm srry for wasting your time..." i said, at my failed attempts to salvage some type of answer. "Good." and she slithers her way back inside. I almost have another panic attack walking back to my car, i call ryan and jet. Ryan calms me down, then i talk to my mom and ball...she calms me down too. I still feel depressed and anxious, and alone. Worst then i've ever been...im ready to die. I don't sleep tonight, just worry and cry.

Wednesday - I try to not think about the whole ordeal, but it's the only thing on my mind. I go to work and talk to addie and chris, they always know how to make me feel better. I still feel like fucking dirt. I go to my art class. I'm lower than dirt, i swear. I'm nothing. I don't sleep tonight, just worry and cry.

Thursday - Go to my communications class, and then get the balls to call Katrina, wtf? She said that she doesn't love me, she never did. She was just infatuated. And I'm thinking to my self "you know...a great time to tell me this was when i told you about getting scholarships, or better yet, when i said i love you and you don't have to say it back because you should only say it back when you truly mean it because it's kinda big" I don't say much though. I try and explain my depression and anxiety to her, not sure why - it honestly seemed relavent at the time. "oh wow...that, like, sucks for you..." was her response to those two major things. Then she said "oh yeah, you know, thats another thing. I can't really hang with your whole depression...i just can't do that. and your mood swings really just..." and i think to myself: "i'm moody and depressed because you wont get the balls to stop thinking about yourself and just talk to me about it. FUCKING COMMUNICATE!" but i don't say much. i do inquire: "how do you go from loving someone so much, to not loving them at all of a sudden, i reall just don't get it. i mean i dropped 2 full ride scholarships for you. i introduce you to my family as the girl that i LOVE and am going to be with, and you just change your mind?" she didn't really say much. She just lead me on and used me this whole time. We settle that we will do the exchange of personal belongings next week. I'm fucking pissed at this point so i go to my dad's salon to talk to him about it. He was on the phone for a bit, and he looked distracted but i didn't care, i layed all my shit on him. He gave me a pretty generic talk, then he kept talking about how i need to be strong. No really appealing to my emotions there, dad. Then he tells me my grandmas dying. Perspective. Shes been in the hospital since sunday and no one knows whats wrong, she's just getting worse. He closes shop and goes straight to the hospital, but before that i walk him to his car and he gave me a real heart to heart. one that made him and i cry. i felt good after that.

Friday - I wake up in a decent mood, no, in a good mood. Life's being a real bitch, but there's worse out there. I go shopping and find some awesome shit, then i go to work and concentrate on being the best damn bookseller ever. After work i ask where the next week schedual was, and brian takes me to his office. "Alex, look, you're a real cool guy, you're awesome and sweet but we aren't going to be able to give you hours any longer." Exactly the same way that Katrina said it to me, i think borders just broke up with me? He explains that the compony is isn't he shit hole and were cutting hours like crazy Larry's ultimate furniture blow out sale. Not good. I go to practice to blow off some steam and go to sleep afterwards. Fucked in the face twice.

Saturday - Hang out with John G to shop. And Martin, fucking finally! and we lay all our shit out. Olive garden was bomb diggity. Chilled with angel then chilled with Wade and the Lestat's Gay, Straight, Bi alliance. Fuck yeah. Got home and now telling you readers about my fucked January. Let's re-cap!

Monday - ignored. Depression relapse.

Tuesday - Anxiety Attack. Dumped.

Wednesday - Depression.

Thursday - She lead me on and used me. Then dumped me. Grandma's dying!

Friday - you're fired!

Saturday - Contemplation

Lessons i've learned:

1) "You may live your life for that one girl, and you may love her to death. you feel depressed and wanna kill yourself because of it, but remember this son: That one person you live for and love may not need you, but the world needs you." Basically, don't be depressed - it's all in your head. You are loved and not alone.

2) Jobs come and go, it's not Brian's fault that were pretty much getting layed off. Neither corporate. We just happen to live in a capital society, its all a money game.

3) Death is a natural part of life. when death arrives, welcome it with an open mind, with open hands, and a open heart.

So basically, i had a horrible week, and month. but it's ok. I feel good. i feel happy. There's people who have it way worse out there, there's people who don't get the luxury of choosing to be depressed or not, or don't get the luxury of falling on love. They don't even get the luxury of life. I know that I'm a great person, I'm sweet, affectionate, loving, caring, compassionate, good willed, awesome style, tall, and all around I'm a descent guy. I just have to remember that. I should appreciate all that i have and don't.

The only things that are truly mine are my thoughts and my actions.

P.S. Big shout outs to Angel, Martin, John G and his girlie, Thelonious Monk for proving tonight's blogging sounds, Wade and the Lestat's Gay, Straight, Bi alliance, Ryan Walsh, mommy and daddy, grandma!!!!, joseph and ann,Kayle Knight and everyone I'm forgetting to mention.

Please feel free to comment whether it be bad, good, hate, praise, love or anything. If i get something twisted, please tell me, etc all.

P.P.S. i still have to talk to Kayla, lmfao, just remembered hahahahaha!!!

wtf?

2009-01-29T13:49:00.001-08:00

I'm so confused, and worried.

2009-01-25T10:01:00.001-08:00

i'm dancing again,

and it feels so good.

fucking up

2009-01-22T23:29:00.000-08:00

i feel like im fucking up like never before, and i don't even know why. i feel horrible, again. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me honestly, i wosh i could say more. i thought that my feeling would be at the nerve endings of the tips of my fingers but they're not here either. They're not in my motor muscles in my mouth. Where the fuck!LKJ@HR faghpaerbfglb ahjlrsdgfhcnelhkfjbnoALKRSJHXNoajklhdnlHKJAFBVACLJHSFBV OUEJHLRTF378IURTYH 458EPIRFGHCMXAEIRYS,UCM VF,ACPUIRAS CFJ,XNOSEILHTV C8DY54OWIUFECHVS MOYEAXJR;SHT MDSE,8ODI4 UVHNMC,A

i don't even know.

Thoughts

2009-01-22T18:38:00.000-08:00

My mind has been bombarded with many initiating thoughts these past few days. There's been a lot on my mind, school, girlfriend, work, dance, family, future, past, present. I can't say that i've been completely 100% happy, nor can i say i've been sad - contemplative, really. I wish i could type absolutely everything on my mind, but that would be close to impossible. I have so many thoughts that i cant think of anything to write, I'm really just writing filler for no vessel - sunofabitch. I talked to one of my very best friends today, Ela, she's doing pretty good in Chicago but of coarse she misses San Diego and the life she created here. Chicago is a beautiful place though, or so i've heard from her - over and over again. She's really bored but i'm sure that once she adjust and gets her life rolling there that she'll have an even better and better time. Spanish class is boring as hell, it makes me sleepy - but i did make a new friend - melinda; big shout out. Communications class is pretty awesome, the teacher is crazy - and i like it. Art class is fucking tight, i love watching movies. We watched Young Frankenstein yesterday, and i have to argue that it's Mel Brooks best movies, don't get me wrong: blazing saddles was hilarious but young frankenstein remains my favorite.

Theres a lot on my mind and meditation, for once, has been making it worse. i think this is one of those times i actually need someone to listen to me - wow what a fucking concept.

I think it's just because i have low self-esteem and bad self conscience issues -_-

2009-01-15T17:47:00.001-08:00

I've been away for a while.

sorry kids. my time has been placed among my girlfriend, work, and moving out.

I haven't had internet for the last 3 months, going on 4 in February, well it's not like i have any loyal readers or anything but i like to pretend i do.

Anyway, classes started yesterday and I'm taking communications, spanish, music, and art. No I'm not drawing, before you think I'm talented, it's history of film as an art - so that tells you how artsy as i can get. I'll leave all that stuff to Sake and Bookum. By the way, big shout out to those guys, haven't talked to them in forever.

In other news, i've found that i don't like western philosophy. I really don't, kinda sad. Talking about extestentionalism and what is the meaning of life, and what is god, and all that other stuff really doesnt get my blood going. What i really love is eastern philosophy, now that stuff is awesome because it talked about the now and what to improve and how to do so, and made it into a logical thing. Not just your mom saying don't drink 'cause it's bad for ya!

So i'm thinking to changing my major to Religious Studies, Liberal Arts/Education, or Food and Nutrition.

tell me what you think.

K. Escobar

2008-12-16T02:03:00.000-08:00

and you find yourself closing the door,
and just staring.
Staring into an infinity,
those eyes - that smile
just gets tattoed into your deepest being.
And you just feel the meaning of
"Om".

Then you walk away,
spin around,
do something fancy
and
find yourself walking backwards
still staring
the sprinkle gets a little harder,
your stomach gets a little louder,
ya go inside -
but even the damn sesame seeds on your bagel seem to spell it out -
Katrina.
and ya just smile, happily, un-alone, un-done, crazy.
Happy.

three rights make a left.

2008-12-13T23:20:00.000-08:00

i feel like running away, from everything - everyone.
i want to be out there, beneath the bulb lighting,
making a shadow, with my pea coat's lapels dominating the noir essence.
I wanna breath deeply and sigh and see my breath before my eyes,
anticipating the next moment in the night,
disappearing before my eyes just as easily as it was made.
I wanna get into my car, start it up, and never look back.
I wanna fail at everything i have now and be old in a new place,
even though that's impossible.
I want to get my shoes dirty and my hands wet,
i want to go to sleep in the back of my jeep, and shower in a sink.
I don't wanna stop, i just wanna go
just go
just go
JUST LEAVE ALREADY!

who rules the schools?

2008-12-07T11:16:00.000-08:00

Eastlake.
Congratulations to all the schools who came out, it was crazy.
Cypher City Kings hopes that everyone had a great time!
We will be throwing more events, most defiantly including "Who rules the schools".
I, personally, want to make this jam a quarterly thing (meaning one every three months).
I also want to get a bigger venue, but that's later in the future. For now, the Y will do.

My review:
All the schools brought it hard, everyone was hype about it, so hype that many were on time!
Thats a very big thing to stress, because before all the battles and what not there is the most important thing. CYPHERS! That's where you get down, that's where you warm up, stretch at your mom's place but get down when you are at a jam. Everyone did a good job at giving eachother space during the battles but that another poibnt i want to stress more in the future, stay back! we'll have tape or something next time.

Big Shout out to the Y, Arcadia, Eastlake, Montogomery, Bonita, Hoover, Mira Mesa, Rancho Bernardo, all the schools that came out!
Dj Mane one and Sake for providing us with the best damn music on earth.

Any qyestions, comments, concersn?
Please contact us through this blog by posting replys and/or contact us through our myspace.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=416357800

CHRISTMAS WISH LIST!

2008-11-28T22:43:00.001-08:00

Christmas wish list bitches.

Levi's 511 Skinny Jeans
30-32 or 30-34
Dark Wash

Levi's 514 Slim Straight's
30-32
Dark Wash

Sigg Thermo Mug
http://mysigg.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=319
(Red or Blue, doesn't matter to me)

Sigg Lifestyle Water bottle
http://mysigg.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=481

Something to clean my macbook keyboard.

Brenthaven Mterolite Backpack
http://store.apple.com/us/product/TS323ZM/A?fnode=MTY1NDA2Ng&mco=MjQyMzE5Nw&p=2&s=topSeller
(Black)
AND/OR
Incase Nylon Backpack
http://store.apple.com/us/product/TR034LL/A?fnode=MTY1NDA2Ng&mco=MjE0ODM3MQ&p=5&s=topSellers
(Black)

Gift cards to Banana Republic, Gap, Active, Forever 21, H&M, or iTunes.

Pictures and Letters

I'll Add as i go

Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T15:03:00.000-08:00

it's that time of year my friends: Thanksgiving.
I would like to start off by saying i hope everyone has a happy time with their families and friends. This is going to be one of my rambling blog's that i have come to become so fond of. So far, today, I've had breakfast with my dad - and an amazing breakfast it was. Not so much the food but the fact that i got to hang out with my pop, have a real conversation with him, go to see his wrinkles, and his blue eyes, his dyed hair, his new scarf, and jacket. Everytime i hang out with my dad it's simply awesome. Talking about my aspirations and his memories, my school and his business. I love my dad so much and thats one thing i am very thankful for. Also, i'm thankful for my mom, she is the most annoying angel i've ever known - the way that her voices raises everytime she is talking, she never seems to leave the classroom or the auditorium. Also they way she has to think out loud, her every move thought out carefully - risks arent risks to her, their small calculations of a ratio in her favor. an angel, she is. I'm also thankful for louis armstrongs horn and voice, not to mention ella fitzgeralds and etta james. Let's not forget the Vaughn, or dizzy gillepsie. Or how about duke, or , whats his name, miles davis. Ray Charles is so good. I'm very thankful for lucy liu, god damn she beautiful, or how about . . . . definantly. I'm thankful for my family, and good music. For education, wisdom, travel, health, misfortunes, fortunes, chinese people, japanese people, black's, latinos, polish for julz, ann and joseph, victoria and anthony, elliot!, andre and austin, andrew, daryll, ryan, mariell, shanette, chris, brandon, kathleen, john g, martin, keana, mane one and his turntables, storm and his philosophies, ronald mules, professor Tolli, joanne carerra, consuelo, criselle, angel, ela marie, professor bolland, joey gold and his freshness, optic and his finesse, godoyski and his whole-heartedness, shakyamuni buddha and his teachings, cell phones, myspace and facebook, my evil twin alex, beans, rice, stir-fry, movies, books, the printing press, high and low notes, blogger, the super bbeat show, saratoga sake and his beautiful wife and their charming child, grandma and grandpa, james brown, my tio's and tia's, my grandpa i didint know, my ancestors, life.

Thank one and thank all, smile and spread a hug, a handshake, even a kiss. use this day to say thanks to everyone and to a few no ones, or maybe even all the no ones in your life, and maybe even say hi to that special someone. Let go of indiffrences because indiffrences cannot live without smilarities, and forgive those you hate and hold a grudge against - "because holding a grudge is like holding onto a hot cole, you're the one who gets hurt". Today, and tomorrow, let us practice compassion, happiness, satisfaction, and love.

Royal

2008-11-22T22:30:00.000-08:00

"Kings who are feared, who seek power to rule and conquer are those who rise and fall with time. But the king who is decisive, who loves, who is wise is the one who will always be remembered as a true king."

I thought of this on my way home from culture shock tonight, on the way to robex with the crew. We asked Andre and Austin what they thought what their definition of a king was, their answer was dictionary and Joseph interjected with what his definition was "A king is someone who is feared, who masters, like, everything - like - every style and yeah..." though Joseph has close to no lingustic skills; he made his point. He said afterwards that Julz, Joseph, and Anthony stayed with Paulskee when they went to pheonix. They talked for hours and he, paulskee, shared his aspirations, insight, and hope for the Cypher City Kings. Thats what he said to be a king, one who conquers. Though i do have much respect for paulskee, like i do for all people, i must disagree with him. To my beleife, a king is not one who conquers or who is feared he is one who is loved, by people, one who is wise, beyond common knowledge, one who rules by not ruling at all but letting the energy of life flow as it always has been. I can see where Paulskee has gotten his belief in a king. Those who have been named kings in history, but i beleive that the word king has become nothing more than a title and has lost its truest and deepest meaning.
So now with that said, i can see why people have been conversing of my crews name: Cypher City Kings. Cypher City meaning The city, whos essence is not in competition and whos heart is not in money, but in the cypher where friends are made, bonds are reinforced and the ego is lost and the mind is clear - San Diego. And Kings. Thats what it means to me what a king is, a Cypher City King. Nothing more, nothing less.

Paper People

2008-11-17T12:08:00.000-08:00

on a piece of paper i write stuff, my thoughts, things that other people want me to think, things i want people to think I'm thinking, what i like, what i don't like, what makes me angry, what makes me sad, how much i love the west coast even though I've never been anywhere else, my ambitions, my failures, my shames, my passions, what i really think about cypher city kings, how i dont like laying down on my stomach because it makes me itchy and my back ache, how much i look up to sake and dj mane one, how much i hate pistachios because they hide from you, how much i wish i had free time to read, how i don't believe in killing or war or fights - not even verbal, how much i like tea and coffee, i wish i had a coconut macaroon from lestat's, i love old jazz and country but i hate how it's evolved to kenny g and tim McGraw, how i think Daryll is a fucking ass hole but i love him either way, how much i wish i could play guitar and sing, how i hate that i cant hang out with elliot 'cause hes always so busy, how everyone seems to get the wrong perception of me, how i get the wrong perception of myself, i like gilato and paper, i've used the same mechanical pencil since i was a freshman in high school, i think it's funny how erasers fade other things away while they fade themselfs away, black is technically not a color at all, white isint either, i like philosophy, how cool would it be if i got to hang out with the get right gang, i've always wanted to call optic at three in the morning to session, whats godoyski doing right now?, is godoyski related to my best friend from elementary and middle school Omar Godoy?, how is Omar, how come he doesn't talk to me anymore, lee is probably beating up Ela right now, is it easy to fall in love? is love a miracle or is it a coincidence, have you ever fallen in love, have i ever fallen in love, if love was embodied in one person would that person look like Jesus, i think if love was embodied in one person it would look like my mom, shes awfully beautiful, awfully beautiful is a funny expression, i wish my grandpa understood me, i love my grandma, i want to visit my tio Israel, i wonder why my eyes are getting teary, is curiosity something that can be tamed or will we always have it, can we know what we want, i wish my dad could move with me to san francisco or la so he can leave his troubles behind, i love my dad, mom says dad is your dad - thats her way of being indifferent even though i know she thinks he is an ass hole and he deserves to rot in hell, but i think it's because shes attached herself to the pain of how she felt when they were divorced and convinced herself that thats how he is, why cant you teach an old dog new tricks?, i think a person is defined by the actions he takes now, but not in the past or in the future, the only thing i can remember from my childhood is my dad punching the wall and making his fist go through the other side of the wall and my mom ducked down, with her back on the wall crying - she had her hands in her face but i could tell they were getting salty, i wonder if jenny will always think i'm a complete ass hole like my mom does to dad, what do people think of me?, i don't want to hid the person i am anymore, i like curiosity, i felt like killing myself every day for 4 years, where do boogers come from?, i like biology a lot, i like that i like biology, why is school so expensive?, how come people who play basketball make millions and teachers make 50, 000 collars a year, it doesn't seem fair, can i fix "the system", who is the "man" who keeps you down, so he's not friendly? is it because he lost his lover? is he taking it out on you, maybe he just needs a friend, I'll be his friend, i wanna see my friend angle, or is it spelled angel, i'm not sure i suck at spelling and grammar, i think life pheonic, is that how you say it? when you spell something and it's spelled the way it sounds. i wonder how you spell it know, i think i know how it's said, it sounds like fonic right?, i havent seen bill and teds excellent adventure even though kathleen swears by it, i havent seen waynes world either, is that weird? i like the rain, is it weird that i want tattoos, or that i want three lip piercings, i like the song "im in love with a girl" by big star, it's the only song I've heard from them, i think i heard it on house - the show, i like that show, what does lacoste have to do with crocodiles? or is it alligators? how do you know? i know theirs a way. i think santa clause is real, but i think he's like love, it's not a person at all, i think the easter bunny is full of shit, don't push your own existence buddy. isint it crazy that math is just a theory of a concept? i wish i was better at math, but I'm really bad at it and i don't want to spend my time trying to do math problems, even though it feels good when i figure them out. I have a lot to do, i wish i didint have to work. i want to get a big ass loan when i move away so i don't have to work much so i can figure out when two trains would crash if one plane left at 6 at 130 mph and the other left 7 the same day traveling and unknown speed and they had to travel 683 miles before they crashed. Where did everyones 401K go? and why was stephen colbert and jon stewert talking about it? is it a math problem? if i put two monkeys into two monkeys would that make one monkey? why do we want to go to space if our families are here? is there a prestigious college there? did your work take you there? why did you get into that line of work? why do you want to know so much about other things like aliens when you hardly know anything about life around you? do rich people worry about the price of soy milk like i do? how about soyrizo or whole wheat buns? i like eating granola and yogurt. how do you know when your in love? i think i've been in love, i wan to analyze it, i think it would be fun. how many people have read this post and thought i was crazy? I want to find more bands like the heartaches, i think their so fucking awesome - oh and the laundretts. On a different key note i like jeremy messersmith and coconut records, their both really good too. the day seems brighter. did you know that for every hour that passes by we move 15 degrees counterclockwise - the earth i mean, not you as an individual or we as a people. i want to ride the bus for some one. i like picking my nose, i've done it since i was a kid. i used to count by putting the mucus i picked on the wall, next to my bed and thought about numbers which made me think about other things because i cant think of numbers for too long otherwise it would confuse me - or i guess i would confuse me. how do you watch weight? i want to buy a clarinet and a trumpet even though I've never played a trumpet in my life, i think i could learn if i had one, and time. i know how to play the clarinet it made me proud and made me feel cool when i played it like i was in some cool, hip jazz band and i would have a solo because i was so cool and hip, and i had to have one, not because i demanded one but because everyone knew i could play and loved the way i played but most of all, even if no one knew, i knew the feeling i got like the feeling you get if there was a bomb in you and you think :"oh shit, i'm going to explode" and you start doing crazy shit you've always wanted to say like admit that you fell in love the moment you saw her and you've always been with her once, on a thrusday night, but it was the best damn thursday night of your life, or how you love this other person but you feel bad because you treated her bad a really long time ago and you always loved her and you didint know any better because you were just a kid. can you fall in love twice? three times? if love was an equation would it be like that one on good will hunting? do you like apples? i dont have any numbers, but i still like apples and apple pie. "we both go together if one falls down, i talk aloud like you're still around." i really want a new pair of jeans, and i want some tuxedo shoes. i think it would look real spiffy if you put tuxedo shoes with dark wash slim or straight jeans and a cool shirt. i like my style, i want to be who i am. I'm going to be who i am. I'm going to be me. I'm going to start talking the way i talk to myself. i'm gunna start dressing the way i dress buy the things that i think i need but really know i don't need but i like it so much I'm willing to convince myself i need it even though it probably would be a better investment if i saved it or payed off my credit card or sponsered a child. I'm Alexandro J. Calderon. i want to make cards like Oskar Schell in incredibly lound and extremely close. I'm crying. I want to hug Elizabeth Tan and tell her shes such a great friend to me, even though we don't hang out or we don't call each other or i don't like the fact that she drinks, but i can tell she cares for me and i care for her too. like friends are supposed to. I was really inspired by that book, incredibly loud and extremely close, i'm finally reading it and it makes me realize that i was oskar schell when i was a kid. except my dad didint die, he just left. and my mom didint stay either, she left for some guy named sdsu. i felt really alone those years. years are better now, but i'm leaving for someone now and i wonder if i make her feel lonely, i don't want her to be lonely i love my mom. Thanks elizabeth, i wish i could give you a book that impacted me as much as your book did but i can't. unless you want to read samurais garden, but you talk about books like you analyze them. i don't analyze books, unless their math books. maybe one day you'll feel the same thing i feel now, and will feel for the same way for the rest of my life. i like my dad a lot. he finally opened his salon he always wanted to open, but the recession is hurting jade by Alex beauty salon. i like calling her jade, that's a beautiful name. i wish i would put my dad on my neck so i could carry him, i know I'm strong enough and i don't want him to hurt anymore. i miss wiggles. shed know how to stop making me cry, even though i'm not sad. i think books are masterpieces, except twilight i read the first three sentences and didint like it, i think it was the hype that was turning me off. i have a small obsession with the number three. i wish i could hang out with bookum more. i always like that guy, i always felt like he was my brother. i think it's because were both tall, but he's artsy fartsie and i'm not at all. i just like writing stuff on pieces of paper. I'd ask him to be my best man at my wedding, but i think daryll and julz would have first dibbs, they can battle for it. i think its funny how daryll dips when he toprocks. i love julz and i'm so proud of him. i love dyno, hes been through so much and he's finally finding some type of inner peace but he has a long way to go, like all of us. Kid Nasty is the best, anthony you really are - you're going to do something with your life thats going to be simply phenomenal. Elliot, i think you try too hard, but your intentions are simply perfect, loving, caring, and good. I'm not gay or bi, but i can rate guys just like i can rate women, is that weird? i think George clooney is so handsome. theres something about lucy liu that just captures my eyes. i want to get a PhD. in philosophy. that cracks me up, getting a philisophical degree in philosophy. Did you know that philosophers, in one point in time, were like the sports stars of today? they were looked up to and respected, even if they seemed a little insane. now if you get a philosophy degree all you can do is convince people of what is right or wrong or become a teacher, which is has essentially grown to become the same thing. i think thats why i want yo be a teacher, because i've been taught many ways and I've been through the system and i don't like it at all. i want to teach people to be themselves like I'm doing right now. just write let everyone read you just be there, be you, be the person, not the person who you think everyone wants you to be. I like saying cute, but ela thinks it's weird that i say it, it sounds funny i guess so. i think joseph and anne are really cute, they make a nice couple. i can listen to this song forever. i miss hanging out with martin, sunofabitch.

Hey elizabeth, thanks for incidently showing me the way of beoming myself. i hope one day i can return the favor. I love you with all my heart. you know that book the 5 people you meet in heaven or however many number of people there are you meet in heaven, i know one of them will be you. I'm atheist, but that don't matter one bit.

Shout outs to all my brothers and sisters that have profoundly influenced my life. In no particular order, Jospeh B. Corrales, Anthony manzon, Daryll Cruz, Julius Villanueva, Manny "mane One", Saratoga Sake (what is your real name? i wonder), optic, Joey gold, Mikey from the get right gang, Stormko, Kaz, China (sakes wife), Marcos ALejandro Calderon, Martha Garcia, Martha Alicia calderon garcia, Francisco Garcia, Ela Marie Dawn Marquez Loyola (long name), Keana Malia S. Sabin, Kathleen K. Maglicomont? (how the fuck do you spell it?) K.K. for short, Martin Aguilara, Daniella Monique Calderon, Jenny June Vergara, Eric Heaton "bookum", Elliot Aquila, Omar Godoy, The Mystic Steppers, Hidie ( i probably spelt it wrong, but you feel me girl), Angel, Elizabeth Tan, Aleesa, Takumi, all of my teachers i've ever had, my grandparents from my dads side, my tio israel and his family, nancy, aaron, ashley, my tia maria, vivi, lili, savanah, hectorito, e-swift, eddie styles, Ryan Walsh, shanette, andrew ventura, mariel, and i'm sure i forgot people. oh yeah jessica schramm and siddartha gautama.

Philo. 103

2008-11-17T11:57:00.000-08:00

I was doing my Philosophy 103, Logic and Critical Thinking, homework. My professor asked gave us a paper with some exercises to do. One of them was to define words that are commonly used that we may or may not see their relative vagueness and ambiguity, by definition of the logic book. One of them was to define the word Adult. So i looked it up on dictionary dot com and saw this:
–adjective

1.	having attained full size and strength; grown up; mature: an adult person, animal, or plant.

2.	of, pertaining to, or befitting adults.

3.	intended for adults; not suitable for children: adult entertainment.

–noun

4.	a person who is fully grown or developed or of age.

5.	a full-grown animal or plant.

6.	a person who has attained the age of maturity as specified by law.

It struck me as interesting. How would you define an adult?
relatively speaking a 6 year old would refer to his/her parents, a porn site would say 18 or 21(depending in what state, right?), an adult would refer to someone around their age range if not older. I don't believe maturity has an age, i really doubt that people want to turn 18 just so they can say "MATURITY! yeah! score!" which brings me to my next point.
Maturity?
–noun

1.	the state of being mature; ripeness: The fruit will reach maturity in a few days.

2.	full development; perfected condition: maturity of judgment; to bring a plan to maturity.

Finance.

a.	the state of being due.

b.	the time when a note or bill of exchange becomes due.

So maturity is a state of being, this i can agree with it.
Just went off on a tangent from my Philosophy Homework.
My bad.
Just wanted to point out that this class is pretty cool.

damn college money

2008-11-15T00:48:00.000-08:00

So i just got my FAFSA sheet back. It said that my parent is expected to contribute 43,296 dollars to my college career. Sure, in a perfect world I'm sure my mom would love to give me 40 thousand dollars and say "here, for school". Oh well, I'm gunna have to get a loan or two for this. mannnn... It's all good. Anyway, so i finally finished one of the books i\I've been reading titled "The Little Girl and the Cigarette". It's pretty awesome, and left me wanting so much more. Great stuff. I bought Bertrand Russell's "The Conquest of Happiness" and i want to read it but i think i should read "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" seeing that i've had it since august and i barely haven't gotten half-way yet. -yet. Plus, it's not even my book. (if Aleesa is reading this . . . my bad) In other news i registered for next semesters classes and I'm taking Spanish 102, Art 130, Communications 103, and Music 107. I'm taking spanish to get the 5 credits, Art because it sounds like an interesting class. Its film from the prospective as art. Sounds sweet right? Communications because it's part of the requirements and music because its intro to jazz and i fucking love it. Next semester will be hella chill. I'll have more time to spend for myself, either working or dancing or just catching up with friends. I just really need to push myself this semester. Both of my philosophy classes are guaranteed passes. Asian philosophy I'm confident i'll get an A. As for my logic class.. that teacher is a kinda ... old? Well, i'm not exactly sure what the fuck he is, but I'm sure i'll get a B if not an A. My geography class is a lot of work, but if i work a little harder i'll get an A and math class...well...i fucking hate math, and I'm the worst. literally. as for my japanese class... how do you say rape? hahaha yeah, but if i study hard for the finals, i have 3 finals in that class, i should be able to get a comfortable C... it's comfortable because I'm failing. hahaha

oh shit.

nihongo complaints.

2008-11-11T16:44:00.000-08:00

minakyoo watashiwa nihongo benkyooshimasu. nihongo benkyoosuru noga sukidesu. Demo, watashi wa nihongo noga heta desune! muzukashii to omoimasu. etoo....
i have no diea what else to say, fuck my limited grammar in japanese.
In other news
watashi wa sabishi desune.
hahaha
wah wah wah...

It's cold outside.

2008-11-10T22:54:00.000-08:00

I find it strange that I'm thinking that no one calls anymore; seeing that no has ever really called.

Coffee at 3 a.m. sounds nice, black. At some random place where i can start writing without anyone disturbing me, and listen to old crackling jazz from an old wax record. On a bench. No computer, no internet, just an old wooden pencil and a notebook.

I went out for a walk and said "it's mighty cold out tonight" and she didint say anything.
"It's getting to the point where i cant even tell if i have a fucking nose or not - do i have a nose? is it on straight?" i asked, but not waiting for an answer. She never talks to me, really. i look up and, she's just there. Like she always will be. "luna" i said "you never were much of a conversationalist." and i walked back inside.

haha!

2008-10-30T09:47:00.000-07:00

so theres two carrots right? their just walking a long and minding their own business when all of a sudden one of the carrots trip and fall, right so when a bus happens to pass by and tramples him. The other carrot, in shock and tears, gets him to a hospital and the doctors there immediatly begin on diagnosing him. The doctor comes out and says to the carrot: " your friend is badly hurt but we think we can help him survive if we do extensive surgery on him" "yeah ok, fine, do whatever you have to, just save my friend!" So the doctors perform the surgery and three days later the doctor comes of the operating room and goes toward to the carrot and says "we were able to save your friend from dying, but i'm sorry... he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."o theres two carrots right? their just walking a long and minding their own business when all of a sudden one of the carrots trip and fall, right so when a bus happens to pass by and tramples him. The other carrot, in shock and tears, gets him to a hospital and the doctors there immediatly begin on diagnosing him. The doctor comes out and says to the carrot: " your friend is badly hurt but we think we can help him survive if we do extensive surgery on him" "yeah ok, fine, do whatever you have to, just save my friend!" So the doctors perform the surgery and three days later the doctor comes of the operating room and goes toward to the carrot and says "we were able to save your friend from dying, but i'm sorry... he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Pa-dun dun-tshhh....

2008-09-21T00:35:00.001-07:00

These past few months my life has been in turmoil, literally. I wont break any records repeating my cliche list. Tonight it is 12:36 a.m. and i cant seem to fall asleep. Even though I was tired all day. Lately it feels like my life is finding its peace, the type of peace I can have for the rest of my years. My dog is going to die soon, wiggles, my 18 year-old australian shepherd. I grew up with her, seeing that i got her when she was 5 and I 6. I'm 19 now and poor old wiggles has a tumor ready to pierce her spine and and enlarged heart, she was really the loving type. Anyway, i cried for about 15 minutes straight when i heard we needed to pt her down but then i realized that she's had a full and happy life and all forms are changing, nothing permanent. My grades have been slipping, but I'm dedicated, now, to raising them. Japanese is really bad, my philosophy classes aren't too bad, my geography class has yet to start and my math class is straight up raping me.

I've decided to major in philosophy.

Though i do like biology a lot and it would be the more practical choice, what i am most passionate about is philosophy. Really my goal since I first encountered and felt philosophy circuit my conscience is to bring philosophy to High Schools. Not mandatory of coarse, but as an elective you can take your senior or junior year. The type of philosophy that makes you think about ethics, morals, values, duty. Hopefully it will reach them on a much personal level and bring more peace and awareness of the individual to many people early on.

I don't think high schoolers are really ready for philosophy, and thats why i want to bring it to them.

I'm finding my way.

Something's Up.

2008-08-29T13:39:00.000-07:00

I've been busy, sorry everyone. I started working again and i'm back at school after a 1 week summer break. Oh yeah, and i just bought a macbook, it's pretty fresh; i love it. I got the whole "going back to school" deal so I'm rocking a new ipod touch and i have printer too. I really don't need it but it was too good to pass up. Basically, it was free, and i just submitted my rebate. Fo sho. Unfortunately i haven't been dancing at all, but i really don't mind too much; I've actually been contemplating of quitting lately, theres not much for me to stay dancing anymore anyway. I got a bike too, it's an old ass Japaneses street racing bike; the kind you see at the Olympics back in 72, it needs a lot of work but I'm gunna fix it up I'm pretty attached to that bike actually and i just got it a few days ago; we'll see how much longer it'll last. My classes are going alright, Japanese 130, geography, math 101, Philosophy 103, and Philosophy 103. They're not hard and i really like my Asian phil. class, it's friggin' tight. Thats pretty much thats the update with me, unless i didn't put that i got a 4.0 over the summer courses, but i was really proud and excited about that so i doubt that i didn't do that.

2008-07-18T12:24:00.000-07:00

my internet is finally working after 2 weeks w/out it.
I'm back.

As of today i have a 4.0 summer term g.p.a
Japanese, 100%
Biology 100, 94%
Biology 101, 93%
Spanish, mid-90's percent. Not sure... but i got an A.

Yeahup, this is all i've been doing all summer.
Hooray.

I saw the dark night, thats how my girlfriend rewarded me for doing such a great job, =]
thanks June Bug.

Elizabeth

2008-06-24T23:06:00.000-07:00

oh elizabeth....
i have no idea what to say.
You've asked me to make you feel better but i cannot make you do anything.
I can help you, and as much as i want to I'm affraid that anything i will say will be interperted wrong.

There was this one time at borders where me and a group of peole were putting a pile of books to their assigned piles. i've been doing it for a few hours now so i got quite good, then i see this little red figure stumble along from side to side, confusingly. As i look up i see this confused person turning her torso from right to left, left to right, and looking down at all the piles placing piles of books down randomly. I thought it was the funniest thing. i put the rest of my books down in their proper place and asked if she needed help and she did -- a lot. I explained and she got it and we kept talking. We kept talking evertime we met and i discovered, probably, the most charming and funniest girl i've met in a long time. we came close friends and i like to think that i make a difference in her life. She deserves the world and all it's riches, and she is loved by many.

and quite frankly, that nun touching cunt can go eat a dick and fall off a cliff because thats what he deserves for making my friend frown.

Alyssa

2008-06-24T23:00:00.000-07:00

I've met Elizabeths' best friend, and jacked her.
Boo ya.

Seriously though,
never have a i met a person with so many strange things in common with me.
And i'm not talking about the august 12th thing, nor am i talking about the being scared of water thing
oh no my newly discovered best friend
-oh no-
i'm talking about the one thing that we have in common that is truly strange...

We're both FRIENDS with elizabeth

i just gave you a second to realize the complexity of that.

I didin't know know she had friends either...
makes you wonder what else she's been hiding...

No but really,
it was such an honor to meet you. I've always thought that i was so strange because I'm afraid of the ocean and such but you made me feel a little less strange and a little more significant among the rest of the tens of thousands of hundreds billions of people than we share this earth with.
it was such a pleasure to meet a person like myself.
i must say, if were anything alike -
I am fucking awesome.
and you are too my friend.

p.s. I guess I'm doing pretty damn good since now i don't just have one great friend, but now i have 2.
Score:
1 for the Alex that matters.

Oatmeal

2008-06-24T22:46:00.000-07:00

i find myself eating oatmeal and listening to billy holiday.
The latter is not so much significant, other than it's soft, sweet music that hovers over me. But Oatmeal, it has great significance to me. Oatmeal is the food unknown; no, not the unknown food -- i just told you: it's oatmeal. But the food unknown. I say this because oatmeal is the thing i eat when i have no fucking clue what to eat. This indecision can be brought upon by many things. Today, for instance, as i walked into my home - which smelled like ass because my sister "cooked" again for her fiancee - i had a unknown feeling. Everyone knows that feeling. You're starving but theres nothing, and you're sure that theres actually plenty of things to eat but all of your creative juices have been ringed from you 'til every last drop has been dripped and mopped from the floor to try and prove you've never had any. So what do you do? i dunno, but i know i eat oatmeal. When i feel that weird empty feeling at the pit of my stomach, and it's not due from food or indigestion - no - it's from something else. The midnight (10:00 p.m.) air? The nasty ass smell? West Indian girl playing on the radio before arriving home? 75 for a few days worth of gas? You don't feel down but neither do you feel up. You just are. and making you think about it make you feel even more empty, if possible. Thats where oatmeal comes to play, oatmeal, to me, lets you settle inbetween the i can and can't and gives you the freedom to say "...eh...". It lets you not make a choice. it lets you say "fuck it" to the omniscient "man" in your subconscious mind and promotes your indicision. It, literally, pitches down a hamick in between a rock and a hard place and lets you chill the fuck out. Good job you, you just stuck it to the subconscious man.
Fight the power.

2008-06-10T17:03:00.000-07:00

After a little 45 minute session i hopped in the shower and well...took a shower. i was thinking about the tatto i plan to get. it's Siddartha, later to be known as Buddha, sitting under the famous bohdi tree where he found enlightenment. The bodhi trees' roots will crawl all the way down to my fingers and it'll look pretty tight. i also want to get some more tatt's but that is the one i look forward to and planned out most. As i was thinking this i was wondering if I'd be considered a hypocrite. Everyone has seen those guys who wear tribal tattoos who's closes encounter to any tribe is in the back of a casino pucking they're all-you can eat buffet. I thought, no I'm not because I'm not getting Buddha, I'm getting premature Buddha; before enlightenment. Plus i don't drink. But to get back to my point, i further defend my siddartha tattoo by saying under the bodhi tree is where he had to overcome his test on the way to enlightenment. Therefore i'm not saying I'm enlightened, nor am i showing my worship to buddha ( that'd be hypocritical in so many ways), I'm just relating to him and looking to him to find my own enlightenment. Just as he did.
As i was thinking all this i also thought across a book i remember reading, i forgot which one but none the less i remember reading that it was recorded that whenever buddha was asked about ladies under any terms he would simply imply stay aware and stay awake- i think. anyways i was a little confused by this and further thought that buddha had nothing against women, he just knew the mind was frail and weak and had to over come many test. also the root of all suffering, known as the first of noble truths, is suffering. Therefore if you do not stay awake and aware the next thing you are gunna realize is that you're attracted to the girl you're thinking about kama sutraing.
This also lead to the thought that buddhism is quite inappropriate in this time and day. before you say anything let me finish. Buddhism is the enlightenment of an individual. if every individual was to be enlightened we would all get along and we would all die sooner or later, but not only that but there would be no more human race. thats fine and dandy until you think about how badly we've fucked our selfs already. First off we have who knows how many nuclear weapons, and the planet is turning to an open debris air garden. lets clean our mess while we try to find enlightenment and hope cleaning is done before the latter.
I'm just saying, we should mind our manners.

Now that i re-read this whole thing, the whole damn thing just sounds like me ranting. but since i haven't updated in a while i think I'll post my wild shower adventure.

2008-05-30T22:43:00.001-07:00

On the way home from putting some gas in my car i was thinking about a conversation that my dad and i had a few days ago. Actually, less of the conversation and more of one sentence he said.
He told me "...doing it because you can do it, or are you doing it because your heart leads you there..." something along the lines of that. Ever since then i've been pondering on the idea of Heart. What is heart really? i began to come to the conclusion that it is a selfish need for something, but i wasent quite satisfied with that conclusion so i pondered some more and eventually came up with my final thoughts on the poor thing. Heart, as i beleive it to be, is a simple desire. Well, not even that says it, more like pure desire. Pure isisnt exactly the word i'm looking for either but i'm sure it'll do for now. Anyway, i beleive that heart tracends the selfish aspect of need and want and becomes a pure and awesome thing. i also beleive that it is somehow linked to your instinct. I beleive that this is my premature notion of what the meaning of "Heart" is and possibly "Soul" as well. Some food for thought for you and i.

Another thought of mien is i feel invisible. I feel like i've been dissapearing with those who i'm supposed to be clear as day and night with. To name a few is Cypher City Kings, Martin A., Omar G., Mane One, etc. Now that i have no school for a while i'm going to take advantage of it and, hopefully, be spending more time with people.

Lastly, celtics won tonight.
Boo ya.

Anyone down to watch the first game of the playoffs with me?
Thursday @ 5:00. I'll bring the cheetoh puffs and sour cream.

Linguistics

2008-05-06T11:37:00.000-07:00

The more i think about it the more i realize it was a right decision.
Yes, i am no longer a part of the Cypher City Kings.
Anyone who knows anyone who knows me, knows that i always talk about music, bboying, gas prices, etc.
I love that crew, still do, but the more i think about it the more i understand of why i did it.
You know those little urges you get to do something and you do it, but you have no idea why the hell you did it and a few days/years later you understand why you did it; why you took that leap; why you said no to that drink; why you took the bus;why. I understand a little bit more now.
I think that mot people have a good idea of who they are, though it canbe argued that no one knows anything, but for the sake of blogging and keeping as sane as i am we'll stick to the common day knowledge that most people have a good idea of who they are or at least put up a fasade that they know.
I have no fucking clue who i am, but i know that somewhere in me i know and when i think about myself and who i've become i'm pretty proud. But i know i can co better.
As a bboy, i feel that i'm not me anymore. Ever since i joined cck my mind has been thinking a little differently. Instead of just dancing and what not i start thinking of individual moves and what better hen and how and such. I look at myslef and i can hardly recognize it.
This isint the kid who was influenced by Batman or Zorro or Ghandhi, this is someone else. I don't know if anyone else can see it, but i know i do and thats what matters.
I was reading a post on the freestyle sessions board just the other day. Mane posted something about style. I think style is what makes you you. "Because it's not what you don't do, it's what you do do" (Thanks Elizabeth) I dance because i love hip-hop, not what it's become, but what it truly means. it means bringing people together, it means looking past differences, it means so much. It's being raped by hypocrites right and left, and i don't want to do that. When i bboy the music doesn't tell me anything, the music and i have a conversation.
Aretha shows me how to keep the funk alive and to not let anyone hold me down, to be me.
James tells me to search my funk for the tightest tune
Kane says to keep rollin and show everyone what i'm workin with.

I havent had a descent conversation in a while.
Sorry.
Love,

Alex Calderon,
Quicky1508
Clark Kent

2008-03-03T22:46:00.000-08:00

i coincidently looked at the mirror today, after i greeted my mom in her room.
I didn't give a second of it, whether someone was there or not.
it was just a figure to me, a thing.
After i realized this i looked back up and though
-is that me? really?
At that moment i didn't confirm anything in the room other than the colors that surrounded me,
Baige, red, brown, yellow,
and to myself i looked deep into the thoughts in my infinite eyes.

Every time i look into the sliding mirror door i always recognize myself,
i always confirm it is me.
Alex, or A-Cal,
Son of Martha and Marcos.

But today was different.
Today something was different.
maybe I've been getting used to to the college experience,
so much so that i don't recognize myself in my usual settings.
Maybe Asia 300 is my usual setting?

But today was different.
Today something was different,
something was missing.
Someone.

Maybe i am possessive,
maybe i didn't really recognize myself until today.
All those days of confriming my own exsitince as
Alex, or A-Cal,
Son of Marcos and Martha
was just a facade.

Maybe now i know who i am
Alex, or A-Cal,
Son of Marcos and Martha
...

I recognize myself today because i recognized something was missing
-someone.

love for reading

2008-02-19T09:02:00.000-08:00

i have re-irnited my love for reading -- finally.

Two or three nights ago i foundmyself unable to fall asleep so i decided to read a book. I've been having trouble sleeping lately and have been dreading reading any of the books next to my bed.
Cant Stop Wont Stop, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Descartes Error, and some other book my mom bought me from Coost Co. I sat up and thought to myself i should endevour in a new book, or old one, just as lon as i wanted to read it. I looked for my copy of a composite of adventures of Sherlock Holmes. As i read the first few lines i remininced on the day that i first fell in love with reading, it was close to the end of my sophmore year in high school and i finished research at the H Street public library. Detectives have always intrigued me so i happen to walk through the Mystery section of the place and looking to my right i saw, in gold lettering, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes. As i read the first chaper, A Scandal Of Bohemia, i couldnet help but love it. All of it and it introduced me to such a great art -- Literature. it was an Awesome experience. Currently I'm reading Sex, Drugs, and cocoa puffs on my spare time at school, i read Siddartha on my spare time at work or when i'm out of home, and i read a composite of Adventures of Sherlock Holmes before i go to sleep. I'm looking forward to read many other books, but i plan o take my time -- if theres on thing i hate is reading a book too fast.

Random Tuesday, Jan. 29, 2008

2008-01-29T00:18:00.000-08:00

If you haven't heard the song "Dancing with the devil" by Immortal techniques you should look it up. Fuck it, i'll give you the friggin' link.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=308316023

It's the first song, listen to the lyrics, notice the beat, etc. That song has some dope stuff to offer. I think everyone should listen to it really. It's a reality check for "gangsters." -- maybe.
I can't get over the effects of the song, you should really check it.

On another note, I think I'm going to start collecting cd's. So far i got some ray Charles, Miles Davis, An Angle, Jane Liu, and a couple other. Hopefully I'm getting some Gypsies Kings, Specials, and Cold War Kids coming my way on the cd tip.

What else is there to talk about?
Oh yeah i started a new blog, it's pretty cool.
You should visit it, it's on my side bar under Quicky Style Tips.
I'm juast putting anything that relates to style on it, whether it be dancing, music or fashion.
Keep checking on it and give me your comments please.
I;'m actually going to go ahead and expand on what i think of the "dancing with the devil" song on there now.
Peace.

What it takes, what it makes.

2008-01-21T13:46:00.001-08:00

Jenny and I were at this restauraunt called Chipotle last night, never going there again by the way, and it made me think of todays culture; or to be more accurate, todays preception on culture.
What makes mexican food mexican? You eat a burrito or carne asada fries and you say to yourself "hot diggity dog this is some damn good mexican food" but in actuallity it's tex-mex. So in search for my inquiry i though what mexican food is there? and what makes mexican food mexican food?
Theres mole, chilaquiles, Tacos, etc. Those are as close to "Mexican" as you can get.

Scenario:
You walk into a taco bell and order a taco then you eat it. Did you have mexican food?

Theres many people i know that wont consider taco bell "real" "mexican" food. SO what makes it mexican or not?
What if i say all the cooks in the back, including the one who made your taco, are straight from mexico city. Did you have mexican food?
How about if i say you had this taco bell taco in Mexico?
What about now?

This question makes me ponder on how diluted our culture has really become.
They say America is a melting pot of culture but just because you have a mexican a filipino and a a indian living on the same block doesn't mean you have all forms of culture on your block it just means his ancestors are from south america his ancestors are from the philipino islands and his ancestors are from india.

This also makes me feel a little empty inside because i know jack shit about any culture, including mexican culture. I can barely speak spanish, actually i don't even make any type of effort to really learn spanish. I'm actually taking japanese classes next semester. Am i helping to dilute and kill my culture?
What is my culture and what makes anyone knowledgable of my culture?

Fuck it, enough mexicans speak spanish.

2008-01-14T17:04:00.001-08:00

I'm finding myself as a person,
but loosing my bboy.

I need to find my funk.

"When A Man Loves A Woman"

2008-01-04T23:11:00.000-08:00

∞

Self Inflicting Passion.

2008-01-04T22:49:00.000-08:00

You know,
when you have too much to say or do and you don't end up doing any of it at all and it's all due to the surrealness of what the situation has made you think of it -- of what it is. The dream like state where you forget eveything except what the time has brought to you, then you realize you did nothing at all and comes the confusion and frustration, Yeah, it's kinda like that.

Via cyber space.

2008-01-01T00:36:00.000-08:00

They say that if you get two people who are a lot alike together it's silent.

For example, whenever JFK and MLK got together they say it was almost completely silent because they were a lot a like and they were both powerful leaders.

I experience that a lot with her, and i also experienced it today with her and Jane.

I was making pasta for all of us and it was silent a lot, but it was comfortable.
Though i felt like a bad host for not having nice conversation and att imes it did feel a little awkward, but i think that was just me.
It was nice.
Damn good pasta too.

To: help

2007-12-27T23:46:00.000-08:00

I wrote a three page letter to you, but it's a bunch of bull shit. So I'm gunna try to write you a little something something right here and now. Typically i would write you something to go along w/your gift but I'm not really feeling it so i think I'm just gunna do this -- maybe it'll work.

So i wont lie and I'll tell you that i was madly disappointed that you and i couldn't hang out today. I totally understood why, but none the less i was disappointed. I got dressed up in my cardigan and a sports jacket, skinny jeans and good shoes 'cause i thought i was gunna see you. I spent about 5 minutes longer than i usually do just fixing my hair so it'll be perfect. I shaved perfectly. I put my visine to work. I picked up my car and didint eat 'cause i thought if i picked you up and you were hungry we could eat and if you weren't I'd just lie and say i was full -- doesn't really matter 'cause i don't really notice when I'm around you. Around eight or nine you said that we weren't able to hang out and it was a sad moment but i said ok and was fine w/it, it's cool. I had to admit i was in the parking lot of the library a big part of my day 'cause i didn't wanna go home and relax because i just wanted to see you and the faster i can turn on my car and leave the faster i could do that. So i was disappointed and went home. i layed down and found out my grandma was in jail for trying to steal a 4,000 coat from Nordstrom's -- peculiar. I wasn't really phased because i tend to be extremely calm in situations where most would panic or be confused. I decided to spend my monthly Number 3 tonight. I grabbed my book "sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs" a notebook with some blank pages left in it and two pens and left to Carl's jr. I sat across from the register and the food was out pretty quick, it was good. After that i put 2 sweet and lows in my coffee and started to write. in one and a half cups of coffee i wrote three pages about nothing. I titled it "to: help". it's a clever title i think, if you think about it. I had coffee because it reminds me of you, if you didn't know already.

I am a tall, pale skin guy with colored eyes. I am Mexican but hardly know anything about my culture. I'm pretty hairy and I'm not that smart. I'm mildly attractive and i like planning things out, not down to the second but at least to the day. If i know that i have a high chance of being w/you i clear most of my day so whenever you have time i know i wont be doing anything. I'm not going to be rich when i grow up on purpose, I'll be lucky if i get more than 60,000 a year anyway. I like to ponder about nothing, because nothing can lead to an infinite amount of thoughts that are something, even nothing again. I've never seen Anderson Cooper 360. I don't find the typical "hot girl any type of attractive. I don't like it when when women degrade themselves so they can "look good". I like American Apparel, Levi's 511's and 501's, Puma's, Pro-Keds, and things of that nature. I have a weird style that I've only recently been confident enough to express (thanks to you). I am happy and optimistic person, and i like to think that i am compassionate as well.I feel fantastic as long as I'm with you, whether it be at swami's or watching your eye lashes grow. You, 99% of the time, inspire my thoughts even if they aren't of you. I'm not much, but I'm working to change that. The one thing that i am though, is your. Your lover, friend, partner, boyfriend, mate, chap, gentleman, caballero, whatever you wanna say, however you wanna say it.

Jenny June you are phenomenally beautiful. All i can do is give you that one universal cliche everyday, over and over again, and hope that one day i can figure out a way to say it all -- I love you.

Alexandro J. Calderon

p.s. this is a very incomplete letter, and just to let you know: I'm not mad at you or anything, i just go from random incomplete thought to the next random incomplete thought.

It's called: it

2007-12-26T01:02:00.000-08:00

It is the thing of all things that can be known as everything and nothing that has that something or known to be with that one thing or not. It’s that thing. It’s been compared to many things, so many things that it is almost cliché and passé; it’s quite sad. This something is so much something that it cannot be nothing because it is that something that moves. Though I’m sure that it can be nothing but really I’m sure it’s something. I know you know what it is. It’s been compared to many things. The only thing it can really be justly compare to is the sky but we don’t truly realize the sky or its actual magnitude because we can see it with our eyes and have had this standard for the sky; blue, white, Grey, black. Truly though, it can only be compared to the sky and have some justice. Anything else would be a terror; an atrocity. It’s been given a name, I’m sure you know what it is. Though it doesn’t do it any justice I’m sure. It’s called .

Happy Dad

2007-12-25T00:31:00.001-08:00

Today is a happy, very happy, day for Francisco Garcia. His daughter, Martha Calderon, is officially engaged to a Mexican Gentleman by the name of Richard. He is short and slim, dark and funky hair, he has a good sense of humor and a good sense of family. he is a good man. He has been married before, like Francisco's daughter, and divorced -- obviously. Martha's only daughter is happy, but jealous because her boyfriend of three years has yet to propose. Martha's son is very happy for his mother. She has finally found a gentleman that treats her well and treats the family with the same care. That's all the truly matter, does it not? It doesn't matter whether he is attractive or rich, but he is a good person with ambition and connection with his mother, Martha.
His family is growing. Our family is growing.

Congratulations mom, i love you.

To: Jenny June, 12/25/2007

2007-12-25T00:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Jenny,
Hello Love.
I've been receiving your text messages and i have to contain myself every time i do. You see i have so much to say to you but it's pointless if i do send you something because your screen is pretty much shot -- broken, dead. So i only smile and imagine what it will be like when i get to see you, in a week maybe? For Christmas, so far, i got a sports coat and shirt from my dad (plus some money), i got money from my Tia Maria, a gift card to Ross from my Tia Patty, a dope ass blanket we get to cuddle under from my grandma and grandpa, and a shave kit from my sister. I still need to open my mom and Richards gift. I miss you so much, it's unbelievable. It's been about 25 hours and some odd minutes since I've seen you last but I'm afraid it seems like so much more. I love you unconditionally, unbelievably, and limitlessly. I hope that you're having a good time. Theres so much i want to tell you, but this will do for now. I love you.

I am sorry

2007-12-19T18:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Maxine,
I am so sorry.
I love you very much and you were great to me.
Many times i did not appreciate you, but truly in my heart i did.
You are a beautiful car and i hope that you rest in peace.

I worked very hard for you.
I put my morals and standards at a all time low by working at Macdonald's for so long,
for the money to buy my
1990 Nissan Maxima.
I've been to junkyards to buy her parts, auto-parts store, friends house, everywhere for her and me.
I took advantage of your strengths and i love you because you let me
and most of
you've taught me the most valuable lesson yet.
I won't tell anyone
it's a lesson that should be taught through actions and realizations
not through words.
Thanks Maxine.

Dew (Like grass dew)

2007-12-13T18:33:00.000-08:00

Punkrocker - Teddybears ft. Iggy Pop

My philosophy final was easy, i studied a good part of the day away with Jenny and her dorm-mates; Maggie, Vida, Josh, and Stephen (Big ups). The test wasen't what inspired me though, it was my teachers reaction.
After you turn in your paper to Ronald Mules you expect it back the next class meeting, you see, and he did not disappointed his students yet. I walked in late into class, approximately 3 minutes late, and he just finished giving out the last paper. As i waled to my seat he looked at me and said "oh..." then he reached for a pin out of the pile of papers to give it to me and he smiled. Maybe it seemed different this time around because i actually looked at him, in his eyes, when he gave i to me or maybe he actually was genuinely happy that he read it.
I like the second day dream better.
My paper said that Socrates was the philosopher that moved me the most, but i also told him that it was he, Ronald Mules, that has inspired me to pursue a double major of Single-Subject Social Science and Philosophy.
Maybe i impacted him, maybe i moved him so that he had to give me, not only a smile - no, but a look into my eyes that said
Finally.

When i walked out of the class i grabbed my phone and walked my usual route to my car, but the school was peculiarly empty; Finals.
As i walked i could literally...(and yes this is what i was thinking...) :
As i walked i could feel the cold shadow slow me as i walked on the giant concrete tiles then, suddenly, i felt such a warmth that i had to stop. In the middle of the concrete. In the middle of every non existent person there. In the middle of the suns rays, and i looked down to my phone and who's name could i see but Jenny Junes. I closed my phone and took a few deep breaths and said nothing, only embellished the sun as it warmed me from my, once cold, neck and arms, and face. I smiled as it caressed my face, reminding me of the day before. i took one last breath and told the sun thank you, he did nothing but be. I said so kindly, excuse me, and walked with my back facing the sun. When i got to the library i had the urge to call her, and we both hate phoen calls, but i felt a sudden twitch in my finger. One that opened my phone, and the other to press the little green button on it. It was, it is, a beautiful day.

Christmas shopping is almost done.
I'm craving cookies.
I'm making tea; Jasmine.
I'm wondering how Vida did on her test, hopefully she actually got to study.
I can't wait to get my new car;
hopefully by the end of this weekend.
There was something else i wanted to write about but i forgot,
damn.

p.s.
i think i started to break my writers block in the second half of this blog. yay.

2007-12-11T01:46:00.001-08:00

I find myself in front of my computer with an empty white plat right before me and an appetite for sour candy. I also find myself unsatisfied with my last philosophy 101 essay. I thought it would be more than this, this is so simple and to the point. My professor, he likes things that are shorter and to the point and i find that this is exactly it; short and to the point. Open ended questions are so hard to me, i am not easily pleased with myself so i am critical to myself. Quite destructive really.
I also find myself awake, thought it is 1:49 a.m. and a few months ago i would be easily found snoozing under my covers. This is so because i have gotten so used to not sleeping untill3 or 4 in the morning, thanks Jenny; i love you.
it's all worth it though, i love her and i love talking to her.
Duke Ellington and John Coltrane are having a conversation in the background, as i type, they are speaking of inspiring things. Every time i stop to listen they speak of something different, never the same thing twice. I suppose they are in a sentimental mood.
I have a lot of things to write about, but my fingers are telling me no.
They've slid a tall brick wall to my head, and have molded it to surround my brain, and have reinforced the left side with some type of metal i suppose.
They think i should wait, so I'll respect their decision -- what other choice do i have?
I guess this is just me saying to you, i have writers block.
Thanks a lot fingers, thanks a whole lot.

Piece of Moment

2007-12-08T17:29:00.000-08:00

I am single no longer.
Jenny June, Yes, Jenny from a.p. stats, and i are,
dare i say it,
in love.
This has brought me to the conclusion that i will have to reevaluate most of my philosophical views, but then again; i was sooner or later.
It was an amazing Friday and Saturday morning, i admitted my love and she accepted it with a reply that could only fill me with this content. Quite the Friday night i have to say.
Saturday morning i woke up next to her and, unwillingly, went to face 4 hours of solid scrubbing floors and ceilings at my work (health department is coming around in a few days)
Just thought i should update everyone on that.

p.s. I got my funk back, but i think i should seal the deal with a new outfit.

Now for the blog:
Todays discussion will not be on love, though i am creating a magnificent theory of it.
i think today i will write about a scene i saw last night, or actually it was this morning around 12:00 a.m.
Jenny took me to the graffiti staircase, and i will write of that later. maybe when i visit again, and i'll even take my own pictures of it (i know right).
But as we left the staircase, we walked up a small flight of stairs and all of a sudden i had the urge to stop. I look up and jenny was in front of me, not knowing that i had stopped. She looked back and there it was, such a beautiful scene that i could not comprehend.
There was a concrete walk way, to the left was a thick concrete wall separating those who walk from those who fall into the bushes and dirt below. To the right were class rooms, though you could not tell because small wooden walls that made about a foot on privacy for each classroom door. i suppose we all need our privacy. At the end of the concrete walkway were two doors that lead into a bigger building. There was a giant tree next to that building, and you could tell it was cold as it swayed so gently. Closer to I, was a big block of concrete. I do not know why it was so ambiguously placed there, but it has dry paint dripping down from the top and sides of it. Not so much, just a very tasteful amount of paint drips and small splashes. The lighting of the walkway was harsh, it seemed that the florescent lights were covered by a mossy plastic.
All these elements and minor details seemed to create something surreal, actually, it seemed to add on the surreal-ness of it all. That one second that i stopped, and she noticed to look back -- it was all added in my subconscious, all of it, to create a feeling wisdom; wisdom that came in a aesthetic piece of moment.
I reflect on this, i ponder, and the next time i visit i will sit and let it teach me it's artistic wisdom and knowledge.

Old Tree (1.0)

2007-12-06T12:20:00.000-08:00

"You distract me more when you're not around then when you are, face to face or online."

So I'm doing my math homework right now,
I don't get a single bit of it.
I really don't like math, luckily I'm a History/Social Science/Philosophy major.
(My counselors still haven't made it clear to me)

I thought I would write today about the tree just beyond my computer desk window.
As i sit now, i can see branches protruding out of another condo.
I can see a glimpse of the beige railing, that would take me towards the concrete walkway that guides us, whom live in the condos and don't, through a peaceful path to the asphalt. I see a white truck beyond the tree, and around the concrete walk way i see green grass that is of a bright nature. I see many more things, but that is what I see at first glance.
The tree is something significant to me.
For the past six weeks it has reminded me of the coming weather, of the coming disputes, and arguments, and experiences i will have.
It does this by shedding its colorful leaves, that slowly glide down with a swishing, left-to-right motion and gently land on the red curb.
It has always done this, year after year, from the beginning of my stay here, 11 or so years ago.
I have always though that this was here for me.
Not just for me, actually i presume that it was planted there for so many reasons
and me not being one of them.
But since the time i have first moved here to today, I've noticed that it has become more and more significant to me.
It speaks to me and tells me of its wisdom, it's experience, and it's loves.
It tells me of all these wonderful things at just a glance, when i get in my car, and a moment where i pass it either to get to my garage or to leave it.
It is always there for me and i always come back.
This a special tree that i have not shared with anyone, not even myself;
not until Monday, when i passed it walking my dog.
I remembered that only this year its leaves had changed and fell in, what seemed to be, a day. maybe it was a week, or maybe it took all year, but to I, I realized it in one day;
One moment as i walked passed it.
In one moment i realized it.

I look at it;
it's old leaves, its sturdy branches, it's swaying motion.
Today it does not speak to me,
it chooses not to.
Today it chooses to say nothing and to serve as a symbol for me.
Tomorrow it may speak, the day after, or this could be the last thing it would say to me.
Maybe today is has taught its last lessons,
but today,
as the wind blows it's brown, yellow, an blush leaves around like a whisk does to the cream of a cake,
it does not speak because it chooses to teach me a lesson by saying nothing.
it chooses to teach me infinite lessons by saying nothing,
but by being.

Today, he has taught me a lesson about love.

My weekend

2007-12-05T00:07:00.000-08:00

Was the best damn weekend of 2007.

Sure, i went to San Francisco with my crew
and sure i went to L.A.
and yeah i got a prop from Joey Gold
but this trip was like no other.

I found so many things
such as old friends, current friends, and future best friends
(i.e. Jenni and Julie lol)

I also confirmed what i thought to be a flimsy theory,
to be a solid fact.

lastly i found something that
is so beautiful, so intense, so ...
wonderful,
that it only ceritfies that this has been the best damn weekend of 2007.

if you're wondering what exactly i did,
i went to Fullerton and Irvine for the weekend,
i skipped a shower,
slept on random beds,
watched movies,
played bored games,
spent all my time with friends,
sang,
ate,
and lived.

If i gave you a play by play,
it'd be bigger than the first testament.

p.s. no one commented my last post =|
i thought it was my best post to date, lol.
anywhoo!

:]

Pinky

2007-12-03T23:05:00.000-08:00

"I like it when titles are symbolic and make you think."

"Yeah, me too..."

Jenny's Taking a shower

2007-11-30T00:50:00.001-08:00

and Elma is doing homework.

I was looking forward to seeing the old man there,
at the front desk as I've seen him a few times before.

The last time i saw him i was taking out the trash, one last time, and i struck a conversation. He seemed weary at first, then he opened up a little.
He had a deep Filipino accent; kinda like Daryll's dad.
His eyes opened wider and wider as we talked about sandwiches,
and i disappointed him when i said we were already closed, and that we didn't sell anything but coffee and "bread."
As i walked away he seemed to go back to his depressed mood,
i thought, maybe, i was the highlight of his day as he was for me -- The work day at least.

I told myself that i would bring him a coffee and a pastry,
he looked hungry last time.

he wasn't there this time, but i'm closing tomorrow.
We'll see.

Open Window Night

2007-11-28T01:19:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize why i always kept my window open during the night, until this morning.
I love my room.
My room can be compared to no other.
Not even the color can be compared.
Not even the darkness,
the darkness in my room has a comfort to it
It's more of a "lack of light" than "darkness" -- Really.
And when it's cold,
i worm myself into under my blankets and it seems that the cold almost forces the blankets on me, almost like gravity; If gravity wanted me to be warm.
The i am slowly lulled to sleep by the sound of my fan.

When i wake, i wake to the cold air.
I take a deep breath and i begin to feel cold
and as i open my eyes i see my window.
Through it there is a pine tree, and a hill, and another condo, and the sun shining (cliche i know)
But the experience alone of breathign the cold air and feeling it run through my body and touch my bones to their very core, while slowly opening my eyes to such beauty of pine, hills, and sun -- oh and concrete as well. Thats beautiful too, you know.
That feeling almost makes me want to write a poem about absolutly anything,
as long as i can write about the cold morning air, and "dew", and "sap" and what not.
Not much of a poet.
So I'm thinking of becoming a Buddhist, but i don't think i would like to tie myself down to one religion.

I have my different types of inspiration today.

2007-11-25T18:32:00.000-08:00

You see,
I was watching the movie "The Warriors" today and it hit me.
Theres always the subject of inspiration on my mind and what hit me is the thought of the different type of inspirations i have, and how they influence me.

When I'm listening to music i dominantly listen to Sarah Vaughn, Thelonious Monk, Charlie Parker, Ella Fitzgerald, Duke Ellington, Jane Lui, Joe Winder, The Angle, etc.
Of coarse i listen to the occasional The Pharcyde, Amy Winehouse, Archie Bell and the Drells, Aretha Franklin, Dj Mane One Mix's and stuff like that. But really i've dominantly listening to all that easy stuff mentioned before.

When i watch movies i watch movies like Sining In The Rain, On The Town, The Warriors, Star Wars, and so many others. it's a weird mix of musicals and some hard ass shit like warriors and star wars.
When i dance, i draw my inspiration from the movies I've seen. I kind of like to hop when i'm top rocking, and i guess i get that from the musicals (thanks Gene Kelly). My persona is kinda hard, kinda serious, i guess influenced by the warriors and Good 'ol Darth. Mostly the warriors, since when you first see them you don't think they're very tough but when you see them get down they're fuckin hard. Thats how i like to be when i dance, you get to meet me and i'm kinda an easy, nice, cool guy. The real "nice guy" or whatever, but when i get down i like being serious, i don't like playing around too much, it messes with my head.

Oh yeah, but the the music i mentioned first, thats my inspiration for life really. Outside of BBoying, I'm going to school, working, having friends, writing as much as i can, and a lot of thinking. Maybe thats why i haven't been really feeling like dancing, i haven't really found that balance of music that slows me down and paces me, and music and movies that really get me pumped and raw.
I don't know about you, but Sarah Vaughn defiantly doesn't get me in the mood to bboy.

I need to find that balance in my life.

Coffee's Wisdom (Nov. 22, 2007)

2007-11-22T19:53:00.000-08:00

I got very little tips today, but i am delighted.

There is something worth, or potentially, more than Knowledge.
It falls right in between Knowledge and money;
Money being worth the least and knowledge being the most:
Conversation.
With a 70 cent tip i got some very nice conversation.
She ordered an Americano and a small coffee.
I had my book out, and she asked me about my college career and
where i wanted to go in life. We spoke briefly, and i couldn't exactly tell, but i think she was either English or Irish; judging from her accent. She has a daughter who is a math teacher, and she too believes that philosophy is a great thing but is too often overlooked; especially by "Americans."
Since today was such a slow day, and the lady mentioned before was one of my first customers, i decided to for go on an experiment. I would try and talk to all of my customers, you know try and spark their interest and start a conversation. Not those fake "polite" conversations, but real ones. I did so, and found myself in a delighted mood. I learned about some peoples days, and even lives. It really sparked my interest, curiosity, and my inspiration.
Most surprisingly -- it carried on throughout the whole day. until this very second i am still in a, quite frankly, delighted mood. I feel like dancing, and laughing, and being happy. it is a curious mood, or state of mind, that i am in and hope to further my exploration of this sensation, and not to mention my linguistic skills.

2007-11-20T19:46:00.000-08:00

So i wrote something down, thats was pretty dope but i had to erase it because i lost my train of thought due to my mom and sister keep on interrupting me when i clearly state that i need to be alone/quite. Oh well...Anyway

Slippery Elma!!!

I hung out with Jane today and it was a very good day. I made her breakfast, then we watched project Runway and Singing In The Rain, and the just talked and chilled while my dogs were beating each other up.

I've already started to plan out my Christmas shopping, but I'm sad because i won't get to shop on black Friday. I have work in the morning, then i don't have money. Oh well, i would like to see what i can do tho.

I really feel like writing, but i can't because all these gat damn things going on in the friggin' house. it's annoying and really really getting on my nerves.

Catalyst; November 14, 2007

2007-11-14T23:35:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day in terms of my inspiration for Hip-Hop.
I've come to a new theory that I've been feeling uninspired to dance and, put simply, be funky because of my lack of sleep. In practice i felt quite refreshed and couldn't help my self, i just wanted to get down. Mane1's words just kept cycling through my head "get down at the get down" and "I see you A-Cal!" (From the danceteria, Vol. 2, Mix). Mane is you're reading this, yes you are a huge inspiration to me, a real hero figure. Something that has just recently gone through my head is the day i talked to Joey Gold, he complimented me. Joey is a legend, though right now he might not give a fuck, but he is. Anyone who knows B-Boying, anyone who knows what it truly means to get down, knows the urban legend of Joey Gold. i would go more into detail,. but i;m not. Anyway, after the danceteria in march? February? He complimented me on my style, very Cooley, and left. Given this compliment, i feel that...no...i want to prove that he did not waste such words, and it made me feel that i have potential, and i want to prove the both of us right.
Another thing that has inspired the Hip-Hop nugget in my thoughts is the discussion i had With Julz and Joules. We were talking about different B-Boys, and appreciation for the dance. it made me so happy to be able to talk to some one about it, i honestly keep it all in. thats all i really want to talk about; music and b-boying. When i;m with mane, or any other older kat, i keep my mouth shut. I listen to what they have to say, and construct new theorys and ideas. I've never really been in a situation where i get to freely speak my mind in such a way that people listen to me, and i listen back, gentleman like.
That is why i do, what i do; for the sake of the gentleman.

(damn, that sound fuckin dope....book title? essay title? you tell me. )

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2007-11-13T21:34:00.000-08:00

I've been so busy lately, i haven't been able to do anything.
Either homework, or work, or with my friends.
I've also felt out of inspiration lately, its kinda odd.
I think i just need something to happen, something-anything.
I was ready to call it a night after i ate, that was around 7:30.
Theres a philosophy project i have to do, an analyzation of:
Saint Thomas Aquinas "Fifth Way" and David Humes "On an imperfect universe"
I'm learning so much in philosophy, i love it.
I also learned something about myself yesterday,
as i was talking to one of my closest friends Shanette.
I don't know how to dress casually, but i do not how to dress very formal.
I know what a Lapel is, and what vents are, and the evolution of 3 -2 button suites,
what looks European, and what looks American, and what types of shirts to wear with what ties.
Maybe thats why i wear what i do when i dance, because i know it.
I've been experimenting more with casual styles lately.
i want to take part in a discussion, a real one.
Not one guy trying to prove his point so forcefully, where he doesn't even listen or is too stubborn to change or see somethings differently. A real discussion, maybe about style or hip-hop.
That would be nice.
Also, I've learned from a conversation with my co-worker Joanne, that i am truly affraid of being alone. That is, really, the only thing i am afraid of.
Actually, I'm afraid of Cyphers as well, which is ironic.
I really need to start practicing more, on a side note.
theres so much to write, but i can't write it, my mind or body won't let me for some reason.
I suppose i'm waiting for that something to happen.