Happy Monday

It's been almost 10 minutes now that I've been trying to figure out why the heck I haven't written in my blog in such a long while. True that I haven't had much time but just as well, i Haven't made time. Maybe it's because I don't have much to write about. Perhaps it's the fact that a blog is anything you want it to be and, furthermore, I don't really need anything. Now that I write it out I think it's because I've been meditating more. I usually explore minimal ideas and emotions via blogger but since I've been meditating more it's probably because the necessity or relativity of blogger, for me, has been lost. Very interesting.
Why have I been meditating so much?
I've been meditating more because I want to perfect myself. That's what a buddhist does. You, first, must help and perfect yourself, before you can help others. Perfecting myself, to me, means that I have control of all my emotions and that I always have a clear and thoughtful mind. I've analyzed myself and realized that, for the most part, I am nice and thoughtful but sometimes I can lose my thoughts and give in easily to anger sometimes even greed. It seems like a lot to the reader, maybe, but truly I'm literally talking about little instances. For example ( Anger) I'd get mad at someone who cut me off four lanes over and I'd have negative thoughts and speech. Another example (greed) I'd eat two doughnuts rather than one because I want to eat both of them rather than sharing one with Richard (My moms boyfriend and our living companion). You may be wondering that it's not much, everyone gets mad at these things or everyone may do these things from time to time but I'd like to make them far and few between and learn how to recover from instances like those. I tend to be too hard on myself, almost all the time. Most of all I just want to become a more compassionate, considerate, kind person. Not just because I think it'll make me a better person but I think it'll make me a better human being.
Happy Monday everyone,
here's to more blog entries!

This is quite sad, but I haven't been writing at all lately nor have I been dancing. I have been hanging out with a couple of friends, family members, working and this last week has marked my first week back at Southwestern College. I've also been busy trying to contact people from Ameri Corps. and Peace Corp. seeing if I can join either but Ameri Corps. aren't being very helpful and, apparently, you must have a degree now to join the Peace Corp. It's a real catch 22 with the Peace corp because to join the peace corp you need some sort of degree but by the time I get out of college I need to look for a job and start paying off my student loans so really I wouldn't have time to join. Bummer. In other news I got myself four dollar boots at the thrift store.
I've come to notice that I'm becoming more and more minimalist as the days go by. I've ben giving a lo of shoes and clothes away and I have money from my birthday that, usually, I would feel the need to spend but I've actually feel like giving more and more away. This has been a trend for me since i've been riding my bike more - either to the school or to visit my dad down on third or any other chula vista related unchecked box. Which brings me to the fact that I've been taking my clarinet playing a little more seriously. I still mostly improvise but sometimes I think I compose some real nice stuff with potential but then I realize that I forgot how to write and read notes, so i've been trying to change that. My Harmonica on the other hand, I don't feel the need to take that thing seriously yet - I'm having plenty fun making nonsense. That's what's been up with me. Oh yeah and last thing: I've been wanting to go camping and all the cool camping activities like hiking and swimming in a river and stuff like that. I'm really thinking of going in a month or two, is anyone else interested in stuff like that?

Note to Self

Tell Bookum, Drah, Ryan and Daryll about Clarinet/Animation idea i just came up with.

Reminder: ta-ta-ta-dahtahda-ta-tatatatadahta.
BUM...BUM...BUM...

"Colorgenics"

So Criselle posted up this colorgenics thing and I thought it was b.s. right away. So I read through it then went on with my google reader then I saw that Maika did the same. So I read through it and thought, why not? It was simple just choose a couple of colors and wham-o! This thing is supposed to tell you more about you than you. here's what I got.


Name: Alex
Date: 8/15/2009
Colorgenics Number: 15047326

You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to 'All things bright and beautiful'. This personifies a caring person, a person who 'needs' and indeed 'needs to be needed'.

All of your dreams and hopes have not materialised and consequently you are unsure of which way to go. This uncertainty has led to considerable stress but you have sufficient 'strength of mind' to overcome this state of affairs although it will take some time.

Circumstances are holding you back, forcing you to back off and to forgo all the pleasures, fun and games for the time being. But this is only a temporary situation and before you even know it the situation could change.

You are trying to prove yourself - not only to yourself but also to everyone around you. There is much that you would like to say and do but the situation warrants self-restraint and that is the last thing that you have on your mind. It would seem that you have an unsatisfied need to ally yourself with others whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to stand out from the crowd. This is subjecting you to considerable stress but you tend to stick to your attitudes despite lack of appreciation. Of course, you are finding the situation uncomfortable and would like nothing better but to break away from it but you don't like the idea of compromise. Your main problem is that you are unable to resolve the situation because you continually postpone making the necessary decisions. You feel that if you make the wrong choice this would lead to such opposition that you would not be able to command the esteem of others. It is essential that those around you are prepared to comply with your wishes.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.



The first paragraph is 100% true.
Second paragraph is total B.S.
Third paragraph: Circumstances are holding me back from some things but sure as hell not "all the pleasures of life"
Fourth paragraph: I suppose I could connect this to some things in my life but I would really have to work to connect it in this way.
Fifth paragraph: that's as ambiguous as saying "there is a woman in your life..." hahaha

Overall it was kinda cool, I liked the first paragraph because that is very much me. the rest of it was either b.s. or I had to really jump to connect it completely. It's probably because I'm o.k. with everything that's happening in my life - If i wasn't i'd probably say this was spot on. Though right now circumstances are holding me back I have patience, perseverance and a good head on my shoulders so I know I can handle anything and everything that comes my way. Sweet. If anyone want's to do it then check it out here:
www.goldinuniversity.com

No Update

I have not updated in forever and three weeks, very sorry.
It's been crazy busy until very recently.
Last week I went to Vegas to support the girls I teach at the Hip-Hop International championship.
Unfortunately They didn't make it too far but to succeed, it is necessary to know what it doesn't feel like to know how it feels.
Anyway, It was crazy hot - 118 when we got in. First friggin' day.
it felt like when you open an oven, all the time. hahaha
other than the smoldering heat it was pretty bad ass.
We stayed off the strip but visited once or twice before we transfered over to our second and final hotel, which was the Orleans. It was a nice trip and wish I had the patience to type more about it.
Highlights Include hanging out with all my girls, the Bendorf's, Francine, Heide and Ivan.
It was nice to hang out with Ivan especially because we're very much a like but have never gotten the oppertunity to hang out at all. Biggest highlight must be when Heide and Ivan got to the brewskies. Ask me about it some other time.

When we got back was my first day of work. Very very very fun and rewarding but it's only 2 hours a day, 4 days a week. naturally, i'm looking for a second job. I work at a after school program entitled after school all-stars where I tutor students in any subject they find trouble in. Like I said, right up my alley but not enough alley. hahaha

It seems on digital paper like I haven't been doing so much but I'm sure I'm leaving plenty of tid-bits out.

Good couple of weeks, looking forward to starting my two classes next Tuesday. Speaking of which, did you know that SWC increased their prices? Sad, still affordable but I always knew swc as the 20 per unit college. Oh well, we're all hurting I suppose - ecen good 'ol es doube ya see.

Sunday. July 12, 2009

A Date In Space

Let's make a date to go to the moon;
we can have dinner with moon mice
and tea with space men thought lost.

We'll use the stars as stepping stones
as our dancing feet move
from one planet to another.

When we get to saturn
I'll take one of it's rings
and put it around your finger.

By the time we reach Neptune
we'll yawn together and
go back on top of the moon.

Looking out at our world we'll lay as I say
"it's a full earth out tonight"
"So it is" you'll smile and whisper.

We will sleep and dream of more exciting things
but nothing can be more extraordinary than you,
not even in dreams.

Sometimes

It's just wiser to hold back.

Wrote a song tonight, heres a draft:

I woke up this morning with a shuken head
my eyes were still heavy with the dream of my death.
I was laying there, in the finest suit i'd ever worn
people around me shedding tears of depression
deep down inside I could feel my restless soul
rise up above me and see the saddened people
and just like once upon a time you stood out among the crowd.
We grew older and far a part from one another
but through your salty tears I could see your aching heart
Oh, where your wrinkles came from, i will never know
and where your brown hair once swayed, now lays the grey

But to me-ee you look quite the same
to the dead man here you'll always be his fondest memory,

And to me-ee you look just the same
from the last time we parted and I would go insane

There no worse thing out there than a finding love
and to never know the pleasure of our intertwining hands
locking and feeling our hearts beat together
or your soft skin sooth away all my woes

and to me-ee you look quite the same,
though i've change, I can assure you darling you never fled my mind.

And to me-ee you look just the same,
your mournin' black dress makes my depression disappear.

Holding you close would of melted away my body
leaving my love exposed to everyone
hoping you take my love and always hold it close
maybe that's what i should have done from the get go.

But here I lie dead, with a restless soul
hoping your love will join me soon.

Early/Mid-90's car. Sunny. Warm. Driving. Nothing to look at outside.

1. yeah, but if life were simple then you'd probably be able to openly admit that you love me and deep down inside you know you won't need any one else. But you could say that that's the whole appeal to life, you get to figure shit out for yourself - you know?

2. You love me?

1. Well, Yeah. . . I knew the whole time. I saw you walking across from me once and life clicked from that point on, even the fucked up parts. Now that I say it out loud, I kinda feel like Lao Tzu.

2. Wno?

1. Lao Tzu. The guy behind Taoism. There's this old story about Lao Tzu, the founder guy, his wife dies, right? Well around his time in china it's purely a confucian society - so it's nothing but rules and regulation and rituals and what's "proper". Anyway, his wife's dead and the Confucian way of paying respects is to wait three days and then dress in all black and trek your posses' asses to visit the poor guy. So Lao Tzu lives on top of a hill or mountain - like every other ancient chinese guy right? haha. Like I was saying, so the a bunch of high up confucian guys get together and make the hike up to Lao Tzu's house. When they get there they're amazed to see Lao Tzu butt naked, dancing and singing around a fire - like some crazy guy. The confucian guys ask what the fuck is up with him, he looks like an insensitive son of a bitch right? Lao Tzu replies by saying "You should have visited me when my wife died in my arms as i tried to nurse her back to health. When I was too sad to move or eat or drink anything. When I was covered in salty tears and the solid earth beneath me turned into mud, where I slept and mourned for three days. Now, after these sad days have realized that this is the way of the Tao and I should be happy that she has moved on, forever flowing with the Tao." I guess what I'm leading to is the feeling of the fucked up, there truly is none. It all feels right. It feels like it's all supposed to happen. Thats why before we find love we have things that piss us off but post-love that shit doesn't matter, it all feels like puzzle pieces dropping into their place, perfectly - without effort. Love is like the Tao in its greatness and ineffability, but most of all in it's feeling.

2. And what does that feel like?

1. You know.