Paper People

on a piece of paper i write stuff, my thoughts, things that other people want me to think, things i want people to think I'm thinking, what i like, what i don't like, what makes me angry, what makes me sad, how much i love the west coast even though I've never been anywhere else, my ambitions, my failures, my shames, my passions, what i really think about cypher city kings, how i dont like laying down on my stomach because it makes me itchy and my back ache, how much i look up to sake and dj mane one, how much i hate pistachios because they hide from you, how much i wish i had free time to read, how i don't believe in killing or war or fights - not even verbal, how much i like tea and coffee, i wish i had a coconut macaroon from lestat's, i love old jazz and country but i hate how it's evolved to kenny g and tim McGraw, how i think Daryll is a fucking ass hole but i love him either way, how much i wish i could play guitar and sing, how i hate that i cant hang out with elliot 'cause hes always so busy, how everyone seems to get the wrong perception of me, how i get the wrong perception of myself, i like gilato and paper, i've used the same mechanical pencil since i was a freshman in high school, i think it's funny how erasers fade other things away while they fade themselfs away, black is technically not a color at all, white isint either, i like philosophy, how cool would it be if i got to hang out with the get right gang, i've always wanted to call optic at three in the morning to session, whats godoyski doing right now?, is godoyski related to my best friend from elementary and middle school Omar Godoy?, how is Omar, how come he doesn't talk to me anymore, lee is probably beating up Ela right now, is it easy to fall in love? is love a miracle or is it a coincidence, have you ever fallen in love, have i ever fallen in love, if love was embodied in one person would that person look like Jesus, i think if love was embodied in one person it would look like my mom, shes awfully beautiful, awfully beautiful is a funny expression, i wish my grandpa understood me, i love my grandma, i want to visit my tio Israel, i wonder why my eyes are getting teary, is curiosity something that can be tamed or will we always have it, can we know what we want, i wish my dad could move with me to san francisco or la so he can leave his troubles behind, i love my dad, mom says dad is your dad - thats her way of being indifferent even though i know she thinks he is an ass hole and he deserves to rot in hell, but i think it's because shes attached herself to the pain of how she felt when they were divorced and convinced herself that thats how he is, why cant you teach an old dog new tricks?, i think a person is defined by the actions he takes now, but not in the past or in the future, the only thing i can remember from my childhood is my dad punching the wall and making his fist go through the other side of the wall and my mom ducked down, with her back on the wall crying - she had her hands in her face but i could tell they were getting salty, i wonder if jenny will always think i'm a complete ass hole like my mom does to dad, what do people think of me?, i don't want to hid the person i am anymore, i like curiosity, i felt like killing myself every day for 4 years, where do boogers come from?, i like biology a lot, i like that i like biology, why is school so expensive?, how come people who play basketball make millions and teachers make 50, 000 collars a year, it doesn't seem fair, can i fix "the system", who is the "man" who keeps you down, so he's not friendly? is it because he lost his lover? is he taking it out on you, maybe he just needs a friend, I'll be his friend, i wanna see my friend angle, or is it spelled angel, i'm not sure i suck at spelling and grammar, i think life pheonic, is that how you say it? when you spell something and it's spelled the way it sounds. i wonder how you spell it know, i think i know how it's said, it sounds like fonic right?, i havent seen bill and teds excellent adventure even though kathleen swears by it, i havent seen waynes world either, is that weird? i like the rain, is it weird that i want tattoos, or that i want three lip piercings, i like the song "im in love with a girl" by big star, it's the only song I've heard from them, i think i heard it on house - the show, i like that show, what does lacoste have to do with crocodiles? or is it alligators? how do you know? i know theirs a way. i think santa clause is real, but i think he's like love, it's not a person at all, i think the easter bunny is full of shit, don't push your own existence buddy. isint it crazy that math is just a theory of a concept? i wish i was better at math, but I'm really bad at it and i don't want to spend my time trying to do math problems, even though it feels good when i figure them out. I have a lot to do, i wish i didint have to work. i want to get a big ass loan when i move away so i don't have to work much so i can figure out when two trains would crash if one plane left at 6 at 130 mph and the other left 7 the same day traveling and unknown speed and they had to travel 683 miles before they crashed. Where did everyones 401K go? and why was stephen colbert and jon stewert talking about it? is it a math problem? if i put two monkeys into two monkeys would that make one monkey? why do we want to go to space if our families are here? is there a prestigious college there? did your work take you there? why did you get into that line of work? why do you want to know so much about other things like aliens when you hardly know anything about life around you? do rich people worry about the price of soy milk like i do? how about soyrizo or whole wheat buns? i like eating granola and yogurt. how do you know when your in love? i think i've been in love, i wan to analyze it, i think it would be fun. how many people have read this post and thought i was crazy? I want to find more bands like the heartaches, i think their so fucking awesome - oh and the laundretts. On a different key note i like jeremy messersmith and coconut records, their both really good too. the day seems brighter. did you know that for every hour that passes by we move 15 degrees counterclockwise - the earth i mean, not you as an individual or we as a people. i want to ride the bus for some one. i like picking my nose, i've done it since i was a kid. i used to count by putting the mucus i picked on the wall, next to my bed and thought about numbers which made me think about other things because i cant think of numbers for too long otherwise it would confuse me - or i guess i would confuse me. how do you watch weight? i want to buy a clarinet and a trumpet even though I've never played a trumpet in my life, i think i could learn if i had one, and time. i know how to play the clarinet it made me proud and made me feel cool when i played it like i was in some cool, hip jazz band and i would have a solo because i was so cool and hip, and i had to have one, not because i demanded one but because everyone knew i could play and loved the way i played but most of all, even if no one knew, i knew the feeling i got like the feeling you get if there was a bomb in you and you think :"oh shit, i'm going to explode" and you start doing crazy shit you've always wanted to say like admit that you fell in love the moment you saw her and you've always been with her once, on a thrusday night, but it was the best damn thursday night of your life, or how you love this other person but you feel bad because you treated her bad a really long time ago and you always loved her and you didint know any better because you were just a kid. can you fall in love twice? three times? if love was an equation would it be like that one on good will hunting? do you like apples? i dont have any numbers, but i still like apples and apple pie. "we both go together if one falls down, i talk aloud like you're still around." i really want a new pair of jeans, and i want some tuxedo shoes. i think it would look real spiffy if you put tuxedo shoes with dark wash slim or straight jeans and a cool shirt. i like my style, i want to be who i am. I'm going to be who i am. I'm going to be me. I'm going to start talking the way i talk to myself. i'm gunna start dressing the way i dress buy the things that i think i need but really know i don't need but i like it so much I'm willing to convince myself i need it even though it probably would be a better investment if i saved it or payed off my credit card or sponsered a child. I'm Alexandro J. Calderon. i want to make cards like Oskar Schell in incredibly lound and extremely close. I'm crying. I want to hug Elizabeth Tan and tell her shes such a great friend to me, even though we don't hang out or we don't call each other or i don't like the fact that she drinks, but i can tell she cares for me and i care for her too. like friends are supposed to. I was really inspired by that book, incredibly loud and extremely close, i'm finally reading it and it makes me realize that i was oskar schell when i was a kid. except my dad didint die, he just left. and my mom didint stay either, she left for some guy named sdsu. i felt really alone those years. years are better now, but i'm leaving for someone now and i wonder if i make her feel lonely, i don't want her to be lonely i love my mom. Thanks elizabeth, i wish i could give you a book that impacted me as much as your book did but i can't. unless you want to read samurais garden, but you talk about books like you analyze them. i don't analyze books, unless their math books. maybe one day you'll feel the same thing i feel now, and will feel for the same way for the rest of my life. i like my dad a lot. he finally opened his salon he always wanted to open, but the recession is hurting jade by Alex beauty salon. i like calling her jade, that's a beautiful name. i wish i would put my dad on my neck so i could carry him, i know I'm strong enough and i don't want him to hurt anymore. i miss wiggles. shed know how to stop making me cry, even though i'm not sad. i think books are masterpieces, except twilight i read the first three sentences and didint like it, i think it was the hype that was turning me off. i have a small obsession with the number three. i wish i could hang out with bookum more. i always like that guy, i always felt like he was my brother. i think it's because were both tall, but he's artsy fartsie and i'm not at all. i just like writing stuff on pieces of paper. I'd ask him to be my best man at my wedding, but i think daryll and julz would have first dibbs, they can battle for it. i think its funny how daryll dips when he toprocks. i love julz and i'm so proud of him. i love dyno, hes been through so much and he's finally finding some type of inner peace but he has a long way to go, like all of us. Kid Nasty is the best, anthony you really are - you're going to do something with your life thats going to be simply phenomenal. Elliot, i think you try too hard, but your intentions are simply perfect, loving, caring, and good. I'm not gay or bi, but i can rate guys just like i can rate women, is that weird? i think George clooney is so handsome. theres something about lucy liu that just captures my eyes. i want to get a PhD. in philosophy. that cracks me up, getting a philisophical degree in philosophy. Did you know that philosophers, in one point in time, were like the sports stars of today? they were looked up to and respected, even if they seemed a little insane. now if you get a philosophy degree all you can do is convince people of what is right or wrong or become a teacher, which is has essentially grown to become the same thing. i think thats why i want yo be a teacher, because i've been taught many ways and I've been through the system and i don't like it at all. i want to teach people to be themselves like I'm doing right now. just write let everyone read you just be there, be you, be the person, not the person who you think everyone wants you to be. I like saying cute, but ela thinks it's weird that i say it, it sounds funny i guess so. i think joseph and anne are really cute, they make a nice couple. i can listen to this song forever. i miss hanging out with martin, sunofabitch.







Hey elizabeth, thanks for incidently showing me the way of beoming myself. i hope one day i can return the favor. I love you with all my heart. you know that book the 5 people you meet in heaven or however many number of people there are you meet in heaven, i know one of them will be you. I'm atheist, but that don't matter one bit.

Shout outs to all my brothers and sisters that have profoundly influenced my life. In no particular order, Jospeh B. Corrales, Anthony manzon, Daryll Cruz, Julius Villanueva, Manny "mane One", Saratoga Sake (what is your real name? i wonder), optic, Joey gold, Mikey from the get right gang, Stormko, Kaz, China (sakes wife), Marcos ALejandro Calderon, Martha Garcia, Martha Alicia calderon garcia, Francisco Garcia, Ela Marie Dawn Marquez Loyola (long name), Keana Malia S. Sabin, Kathleen K. Maglicomont? (how the fuck do you spell it?) K.K. for short, Martin Aguilara, Daniella Monique Calderon, Jenny June Vergara, Eric Heaton "bookum", Elliot Aquila, Omar Godoy, The Mystic Steppers, Hidie ( i probably spelt it wrong, but you feel me girl), Angel, Elizabeth Tan, Aleesa, Takumi, all of my teachers i've ever had, my grandparents from my dads side, my tio israel and his family, nancy, aaron, ashley, my tia maria, vivi, lili, savanah, hectorito, e-swift, eddie styles, Ryan Walsh, shanette, andrew ventura, mariel, and i'm sure i forgot people. oh yeah jessica schramm and siddartha gautama.