I've been living in a new house for a few months now. Ever since i could remember it's been me, my mom and my sister - no one else. My sister lives with her boyfriend now and my mom and I live with her boyfriend, Richard. My mom gives me about the same amount of attention she did before, maybe a tiny less because she's been working extra hard lately, but you get the jist of it. When people come to my house they ask me "how do you like your new house?" and all i can reply with is: "It's a house, not a home." I was always proud to show off my old house to everyone, i would eagerly invite everyone over - even if it were to say hi for a moment. Now i don't find that urge at all. I honestly don't give a rat's ass about this house. My mom asks Richard if she can make him anything to eat and i say to myself "why the fuck are you asking him that?" I guess I'm still getting used to "sharing" my mom - don't think i'll ever get used to it and i don't think i'll ever like this house, or Richard even.
I think about it and i think I'm acting like a little kid, i should grow up and know that it's my mom's happiness that matters and the reason i lied to my mom about being o.k. with it was for that same reason - for her. But god damn it she's my mom; mine.
I'm also having doubt about going to S.F. lately. I don't know why I'm going anymore. I'm not sure if it's because I'm running away from this whole situation or if it's because i don't know what else to do. My mom is having money trouble for various reasons and so is my dad. I want to go but not for the wrong reasons and if i stay i don't want to stay for the wrong reasons as well. Whhat ta do mah fruiend?
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3 comments:
your feelings are understandable. she is your mom and its hard to accept change when you were so used to things being your way for so long. it's hard for someone new to come in and take some of the attention you usually get from the one you love. but yea theres not much you can really do but try your best to be supportive of your mom and be happy that she is happy. but believe me when i say, i understand how you feel.
about going to SF, i think as the time draws closer...you just start getting cold feet. the summer before i left for UCI..i felt the same way. i started regretting everything and second guessing myself...
i realize that UCI is much closer than SF but still...same concept i guess.
if you really like it there... give it a shot. if money is the issue... you can work hard to see things through... plus there's always aid and stuff. there's always ways.
:) cheer up Alex.
Thanks Criselle :]
Why ARE you going to S.F.?
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