Peanut Butter and Jelly Feist

So i was having my lunch at my usual spot, reading the SD City beat and listening to Feist's "The Reminder" Album (really good album b.t.w., but the bonus songs are kinda crap). Anyway, off topic, so i was sitting, eating, listening, and reading when my memory flashed me back to when i was in the car a couple of days ago listening to 94.9 and they were talking about Cochella. 94.9 always makes a big deal of this event and then i was thinking "the last time i heard this was..." and then i started to think that it's been a year since i last heard that commercial. Analyzing my year i was struck down again and again, it felt like i took one step to the side and two and half steps back since then. it made me disappointed in myself, though i did learn some very valuable lessons that i hope never to lose sight of. I'd say that i had a real crap year. I realized that many of those people i call friends, really aren't, which i've to see as a very good thing but a little sad. I also realized that here, I'm stuck in between an ocean and a desert - i don't belong here, now, and as passe as this may sound: I'm never going to find my self here. I'll never learn who i am here, in San Diego.

I'm running away this summer and I'm not looking back. 

Hi Everybody

I am listening to interpol and thought i should write in my blog now so I wanted to give a big shout out to all of the following people(In no particular order):

- Julius Villanueva

- Wade Gale

- Elliot Aquila

- Joseph "Dyno" Corrales

- Kayla Knight

- Elizabeth Tan

- Anthony "Kid Nasty" Manzon

- Ryan Walsh

- Angel I have no clue what your last name is

- Alejandro M. Ferratt

- Joann Carrera

- Mannie "Dj Mane one" Putian

- Ela Marie Dawn Marquez Loyola

- John G.

- Criselle C.

- Omar Godoy

- Sarah A.

- Martin Aguilara

Without you guys, i don't know who i'd draw my inspiration and happiness from but i do know it wouldn't even come close to what you guys do to me. Thank you, I love all of you. I am lucky, oh so lucky. 

Abuelita

Hey Grandma, 

I hope you are doing well, where ever you are. I wanted to dedicate this to you because i wanted to say i love you and I'm sorry. I know i wasn't your favorite when I was a kid, i think my sister was your all-time favorite, because she grew up to be so beautiful and successful. She really is. I love you grandma, I'm sorry i never really made a lot of time for you, i always wanted to hear your story - i know it's quite tragic. You treated everyone like shit when they were growing up, you were a real hard ass haha. My dad, uncles, me, Danielle. Now that you are the way you are - were - everyone is banning together for you, you should feel proud. Even though we never really got to know each other i want to tell you i love you, and i am successful too. I'm a bit of  fuck up in my eyes, but I'm doing a lot of good thing - I've done a lot of good thing - i continue to try and do good things. Todavia necesito a planchar un poco de mis problemas. Pero quiero a decir te que te amo abeulita, un monton. Orita, pienso que no tengo nadien, y es horrible. Sabo que tengo tu espirito conmigo, gracias.

Alexandro J. Calderon

List & Friend(s)

Most listened CD's of January 2009:

Good News for those who like Bad News - Modest Mouse

French Cafe - Various (thanks capisci!)

Yankee Fox Trot Hotel - Wilco

Friends are always there, whether they may be flakers, awkward, or even distant. My philosophy on friendship: Once a friend, always a friend - and everyone is a friend. Simple, clean, not complicated. 

and for anyone who isn't satisfied with this definition then one must remember; theirs always friends, and friends worth mentioning. 

I can't fall asleep again. sunofabitch.

My Fucked up January. (a.k.a. Karma)

Lets start from the beginning. I've been depressed since i was 8 years old, no point in keeping it a secret. My depression didn't get real bad until 10th grade, thats when i had bad thoughts of suicide. I had these thoughts until my second semester in college. Afterwards it was just me being unexplainably sad. I talked to Katrina all thought the summer, i dig her big time. After some complicated shit happening we end up together and i just fall in love with her. I think she is this perfect, beautiful goddess, who i am destened to be with. I haven't felt so strongly about a person in this way ever, and I'm excited to be in love. I forget about my depression and i just live life happily, with my girl: Katrina. Everything is going dandy, i tell her i love her the second day that we are together, I'm not afraid of shit at this point because I'm so excited and confident and happy for once. She says it too, and it was the happiest day of my fucking life. Everyday from that day on was the happiest day of my life, she made every day better and better and better and i love her. I'm so confident and happy that i ask her "do you really really love me?" and she says "yeah, i love you A LOT!!!!" "i think i'm be able to get some scholarships to go to ucla or sfsu, but i don't wanna take them" "why not?" she asks. "Because i wanna be with you, and i love you, and i won't be happy anywhere else, unless you come with me. and i know you have to stay at sdsu, so i wanna be there too. I just really, truly fucking love you" "i love you too". So i drop two full ride scholarships, one to ucla and one to sfsu, to stay with my girl. We go through some tough shit all at once, mind you, she gets her period which apperently makes her real bitchy, moody, and distant, her ex-boyfriend, Jason, try's to get at her, and i have a depression relapse all of a sudden. The period thing we gatta wait out - duh. Her ex trying to get back with her took a whole fucking week and a couple days, because she finally sat him down and told him to fuck off and let her be happy with me. My depression relapse, well...i try and talk to her about it but i find no solace. Every time i talk to her about it she distants herself from me, doesn't say a thing, or just changes the subject. So i end up bottling it in. Everything returns to normal for fucking finally. 

Sunday - i go to her house, and everything is dandy. I her dad an awesome gift, her mom and i talk for like an hour about jazz, and we just sit and chill and talk with some cousins, and bordem hits every once in a while but it's all good - it's a family party, what do you expect? Everyone leaves and i chill for an hour or two and then go home because she gets super super tired all of a sudden. I get home and call her to tell her i got home safely, love you good night. She's knocked the fuck out. 

Monday - i send her txt and call her but no response of any kind. Weird but ok. I get a txt saying that she wants her movie and camera back after i get off of work. I say ok, day goes on and no communication. My depression is hitting real hard since this morning, but i bottle it all up. I get off of work and she cancels. Weird. I go home and i can't sleep. No i love you's no communication. Real weird. 

Tuesday - it's 2:34 a.m. and i can't sleep a wink. my depression is getting fucked and i start having these weird paranoid/anxious thought so i decide to snap out of it with a shower. I get a towel around my naked body and go to the bathroom. Close the door, reach for the shower knob and i start shaking unexplainably. My whole body,i can feel my heart jumping out, pumping all four chambers out of its place, and then i drop to the floor. I'm naked on the floor shaking, feeling like the room is collapsing, so i start to cry and scream except i feel my throst tighten so badly i feel like someones choking me and all i get is a squeel. I keep crying, my shaking lessens and it last for about 45 minutes. i run to my bedroom, under the sheets and start crying again, panicking. What the fuck just happened, did i just die? Hour pass by and i will my self out of the covers and start doing homework to take my mind off of it all. I go to my communications class then afterwards i get a txt. "can you come over to Amy's after class? we have to talk about something" The second i read this i run to my car, i can feel my heart pounding and i'm getting fucked up thughts again. I calm myself down by having a flashback of talking to Amy, "she loves you, unbeleivably" Shes not gunna break up with me or anything, that wouldn't make an sense, shes been in love with me since we first met, she told me herself. It's probably something else. Maybe she got drunk and cheated on me or maybe her ex try to make a pass at her and she gave in for a second or something. Anything. I get to amy's and she slithers her way out through the door. "Alex, you're a really nice guy. You're super sweet, but it's not working out. I cant be with you anymore." it happened, my nightmare, i tried to get an answer but she looked at me with a pissed off face and she just rolls her eyes. "I'm srry for wasting your time..." i said, at my failed attempts to salvage some type of answer. "Good." and she slithers her way back inside. I almost have another panic attack walking back to my car, i call ryan and jet. Ryan calms me down, then i talk to my mom and ball...she calms me down too. I still feel depressed and anxious, and alone. Worst then i've ever been...im ready to die. I don't sleep tonight, just worry and cry.

Wednesday - I try to not think about the whole ordeal, but it's the only thing on my mind. I go to work and talk to addie and chris, they always know how to make me feel better. I still feel like fucking dirt. I go to my art class. I'm lower than dirt, i swear. I'm nothing. I don't sleep tonight, just worry and cry.

Thursday - Go to my communications class, and then get the balls to call Katrina, wtf? She said that she doesn't love me, she never did. She was just infatuated. And I'm thinking to my self "you know...a great time to tell me this was when i told you about getting scholarships, or better yet, when i said i love you and you don't have to say it back because you should only say it back when you truly mean it because it's kinda big" I don't say much though. I try and explain my depression and anxiety to her, not sure why - it honestly seemed relavent at the time. "oh wow...that, like, sucks for you..." was her response to those two major things. Then she said "oh yeah, you know, thats another thing. I can't really hang with your whole depression...i just can't do that. and your mood swings really just..." and i think to myself: "i'm moody and depressed because you wont get the balls to stop thinking about yourself and just talk to me about it. FUCKING COMMUNICATE!" but i don't say much. i do inquire: "how do you go from loving someone so much, to not loving them at all of a sudden, i reall just don't get it. i mean i dropped 2 full ride scholarships for you. i introduce you to my family as the girl that i LOVE and am going to be with, and you just change your mind?" she didn't really say much. She just lead me on and used me this whole time. We settle that we will do the exchange of personal belongings next week. I'm fucking pissed at this point so i go to my dad's salon to talk to him about it. He was on the phone for a bit, and he looked distracted but i didn't care, i layed all my shit on him. He gave me a pretty generic talk, then he kept talking about how i need to be strong. No really appealing to my emotions there, dad. Then he tells me my grandmas dying. Perspective. Shes been in the hospital since sunday and no one knows whats wrong, she's just getting worse. He closes shop and goes straight to the hospital, but before that i walk him to his car and he gave me a real heart to heart. one that made him and i cry. i felt good after that.

Friday - I wake up in a decent mood, no, in a good mood. Life's being a real bitch, but there's worse out there. I go shopping and find some awesome shit, then i go to work and concentrate on being the best damn bookseller ever. After work i ask where the next week schedual was, and brian takes me to his office. "Alex, look, you're a real cool guy, you're awesome and sweet but we aren't going to be able to give you hours any longer." Exactly the same way that Katrina said it to me, i think borders just broke up with me? He explains that the compony is isn't he shit hole and were cutting hours like crazy Larry's ultimate furniture blow out sale. Not good. I go to practice to blow off some steam and go to sleep afterwards. Fucked in the face twice.

Saturday - Hang out with John G to shop. And Martin, fucking finally! and we lay all our shit out. Olive garden was bomb diggity. Chilled with angel then chilled with Wade and the Lestat's Gay, Straight, Bi alliance. Fuck yeah. Got home and now telling you readers about my fucked January. Let's re-cap!

Monday - ignored. Depression relapse.

Tuesday - Anxiety Attack. Dumped.

Wednesday - Depression.

Thursday - She lead me on and used me. Then dumped me. Grandma's dying!

Friday - you're fired!

Saturday - Contemplation

Lessons i've learned:

1) "You may live your life for that one girl, and you may love her to death. you feel depressed and wanna kill yourself because of it, but remember this son: That one person you live for and love may not need you, but the world needs you." Basically, don't be depressed - it's all in your head. You are loved and not alone.

2) Jobs come and go, it's not Brian's fault that were pretty much getting layed off. Neither corporate. We just happen to live in a capital society, its all a money game. 

3) Death is a natural part of life. when death arrives, welcome it with an open mind, with open hands, and a open heart. 

So basically, i had a horrible week, and month. but it's ok. I feel good. i feel happy. There's people who have it way worse out there, there's people who don't get the luxury of choosing to be depressed or not, or don't get the luxury of falling on love. They don't even get the luxury of life. I know that I'm a great person, I'm sweet, affectionate, loving, caring, compassionate, good willed, awesome style, tall, and all around I'm a descent guy. I just have to remember that. I should appreciate all that i have and don't.

The only things that are truly mine are my thoughts and my actions.

P.S. Big shout outs to Angel, Martin, John G and his girlie, Thelonious Monk for proving tonight's blogging sounds, Wade and the Lestat's Gay, Straight, Bi alliance, Ryan Walsh, mommy and daddy, grandma!!!!, joseph and ann,Kayle Knight and everyone I'm forgetting to mention.

Please feel free to comment whether it be bad, good, hate, praise, love or anything. If i get something twisted, please tell me, etc all. 

P.P.S. i still have to talk to Kayla, lmfao, just remembered hahahahaha!!!