To: help

I wrote a three page letter to you, but it's a bunch of bull shit. So I'm gunna try to write you a little something something right here and now. Typically i would write you something to go along w/your gift but I'm not really feeling it so i think I'm just gunna do this -- maybe it'll work.

So i wont lie and I'll tell you that i was madly disappointed that you and i couldn't hang out today. I totally understood why, but none the less i was disappointed. I got dressed up in my cardigan and a sports jacket, skinny jeans and good shoes 'cause i thought i was gunna see you. I spent about 5 minutes longer than i usually do just fixing my hair so it'll be perfect. I shaved perfectly. I put my visine to work. I picked up my car and didint eat 'cause i thought if i picked you up and you were hungry we could eat and if you weren't I'd just lie and say i was full -- doesn't really matter 'cause i don't really notice when I'm around you. Around eight or nine you said that we weren't able to hang out and it was a sad moment but i said ok and was fine w/it, it's cool. I had to admit i was in the parking lot of the library a big part of my day 'cause i didn't wanna go home and relax because i just wanted to see you and the faster i can turn on my car and leave the faster i could do that. So i was disappointed and went home. i layed down and found out my grandma was in jail for trying to steal a 4,000 coat from Nordstrom's -- peculiar. I wasn't really phased because i tend to be extremely calm in situations where most would panic or be confused. I decided to spend my monthly Number 3 tonight. I grabbed my book "sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs" a notebook with some blank pages left in it and two pens and left to Carl's jr. I sat across from the register and the food was out pretty quick, it was good. After that i put 2 sweet and lows in my coffee and started to write. in one and a half cups of coffee i wrote three pages about nothing. I titled it "to: help". it's a clever title i think, if you think about it. I had coffee because it reminds me of you, if you didn't know already.

I am a tall, pale skin guy with colored eyes. I am Mexican but hardly know anything about my culture. I'm pretty hairy and I'm not that smart. I'm mildly attractive and i like planning things out, not down to the second but at least to the day. If i know that i have a high chance of being w/you i clear most of my day so whenever you have time i know i wont be doing anything. I'm not going to be rich when i grow up on purpose, I'll be lucky if i get more than 60,000 a year anyway. I like to ponder about nothing, because nothing can lead to an infinite amount of thoughts that are something, even nothing again. I've never seen Anderson Cooper 360. I don't find the typical "hot girl any type of attractive. I don't like it when when women degrade themselves so they can "look good". I like American Apparel, Levi's 511's and 501's, Puma's, Pro-Keds, and things of that nature. I have a weird style that I've only recently been confident enough to express (thanks to you). I am happy and optimistic person, and i like to think that i am compassionate as well.I feel fantastic as long as I'm with you, whether it be at swami's or watching your eye lashes grow. You, 99% of the time, inspire my thoughts even if they aren't of you. I'm not much, but I'm working to change that. The one thing that i am though, is your. Your lover, friend, partner, boyfriend, mate, chap, gentleman, caballero, whatever you wanna say, however you wanna say it.

Jenny June you are phenomenally beautiful. All i can do is give you that one universal cliche everyday, over and over again, and hope that one day i can figure out a way to say it all -- I love you.

Alexandro J. Calderon


p.s. this is a very incomplete letter, and just to let you know: I'm not mad at you or anything, i just go from random incomplete thought to the next random incomplete thought.

It's called: it

It is the thing of all things that can be known as everything and nothing that has that something or known to be with that one thing or not. It’s that thing. It’s been compared to many things, so many things that it is almost cliché and passé; it’s quite sad. This something is so much something that it cannot be nothing because it is that something that moves. Though I’m sure that it can be nothing but really I’m sure it’s something. I know you know what it is. It’s been compared to many things. The only thing it can really be justly compare to is the sky but we don’t truly realize the sky or its actual magnitude because we can see it with our eyes and have had this standard for the sky; blue, white, Grey, black. Truly though, it can only be compared to the sky and have some justice. Anything else would be a terror; an atrocity. It’s been given a name, I’m sure you know what it is. Though it doesn’t do it any justice I’m sure. It’s called .

Happy Dad

Today is a happy, very happy, day for Francisco Garcia. His daughter, Martha Calderon, is officially engaged to a Mexican Gentleman by the name of Richard. He is short and slim, dark and funky hair, he has a good sense of humor and a good sense of family. he is a good man. He has been married before, like Francisco's daughter, and divorced -- obviously. Martha's only daughter is happy, but jealous because her boyfriend of three years has yet to propose. Martha's son is very happy for his mother. She has finally found a gentleman that treats her well and treats the family with the same care. That's all the truly matter, does it not? It doesn't matter whether he is attractive or rich, but he is a good person with ambition and connection with his mother, Martha.
His family is growing. Our family is growing.





Congratulations mom, i love you.

To: Jenny June, 12/25/2007

Dear Jenny,
Hello Love.
I've been receiving your text messages and i have to contain myself every time i do. You see i have so much to say to you but it's pointless if i do send you something because your screen is pretty much shot -- broken, dead. So i only smile and imagine what it will be like when i get to see you, in a week maybe? For Christmas, so far, i got a sports coat and shirt from my dad (plus some money), i got money from my Tia Maria, a gift card to Ross from my Tia Patty, a dope ass blanket we get to cuddle under from my grandma and grandpa, and a shave kit from my sister. I still need to open my mom and Richards gift. I miss you so much, it's unbelievable. It's been about 25 hours and some odd minutes since I've seen you last but I'm afraid it seems like so much more. I love you unconditionally, unbelievably, and limitlessly. I hope that you're having a good time. Theres so much i want to tell you, but this will do for now. I love you.

I am sorry

Dear Maxine,
I am so sorry.
I love you very much and you were great to me.
Many times i did not appreciate you, but truly in my heart i did.
You are a beautiful car and i hope that you rest in peace.

I worked very hard for you.
I put my morals and standards at a all time low by working at Macdonald's for so long,
for the money to buy my
1990 Nissan Maxima.
I've been to junkyards to buy her parts, auto-parts store, friends house, everywhere for her and me.
I took advantage of your strengths and i love you because you let me
and most of
you've taught me the most valuable lesson yet.
I won't tell anyone
it's a lesson that should be taught through actions and realizations
not through words.
Thanks Maxine.

Dew (Like grass dew)

Punkrocker - Teddybears ft. Iggy Pop


My philosophy final was easy, i studied a good part of the day away with Jenny and her dorm-mates; Maggie, Vida, Josh, and Stephen (Big ups). The test wasen't what inspired me though, it was my teachers reaction.
After you turn in your paper to Ronald Mules you expect it back the next class meeting, you see, and he did not disappointed his students yet. I walked in late into class, approximately 3 minutes late, and he just finished giving out the last paper. As i waled to my seat he looked at me and said "oh..." then he reached for a pin out of the pile of papers to give it to me and he smiled. Maybe it seemed different this time around because i actually looked at him, in his eyes, when he gave i to me or maybe he actually was genuinely happy that he read it.
I like the second day dream better.
My paper said that Socrates was the philosopher that moved me the most, but i also told him that it was he, Ronald Mules, that has inspired me to pursue a double major of Single-Subject Social Science and Philosophy.
Maybe i impacted him, maybe i moved him so that he had to give me, not only a smile - no, but a look into my eyes that said
Finally.

When i walked out of the class i grabbed my phone and walked my usual route to my car, but the school was peculiarly empty; Finals.
As i walked i could literally...(and yes this is what i was thinking...) :
As i walked i could feel the cold shadow slow me as i walked on the giant concrete tiles then, suddenly, i felt such a warmth that i had to stop. In the middle of the concrete. In the middle of every non existent person there. In the middle of the suns rays, and i looked down to my phone and who's name could i see but Jenny Junes. I closed my phone and took a few deep breaths and said nothing, only embellished the sun as it warmed me from my, once cold, neck and arms, and face. I smiled as it caressed my face, reminding me of the day before. i took one last breath and told the sun thank you, he did nothing but be. I said so kindly, excuse me, and walked with my back facing the sun. When i got to the library i had the urge to call her, and we both hate phoen calls, but i felt a sudden twitch in my finger. One that opened my phone, and the other to press the little green button on it. It was, it is, a beautiful day.

Christmas shopping is almost done.
I'm craving cookies.
I'm making tea; Jasmine.
I'm wondering how Vida did on her test, hopefully she actually got to study.
I can't wait to get my new car;
hopefully by the end of this weekend.
There was something else i wanted to write about but i forgot,
damn.

p.s.
i think i started to break my writers block in the second half of this blog. yay.

I find myself in front of my computer with an empty white plat right before me and an appetite for sour candy. I also find myself unsatisfied with my last philosophy 101 essay. I thought it would be more than this, this is so simple and to the point. My professor, he likes things that are shorter and to the point and i find that this is exactly it; short and to the point. Open ended questions are so hard to me, i am not easily pleased with myself so i am critical to myself. Quite destructive really.
I also find myself awake, thought it is 1:49 a.m. and a few months ago i would be easily found snoozing under my covers. This is so because i have gotten so used to not sleeping untill3 or 4 in the morning, thanks Jenny; i love you.
it's all worth it though, i love her and i love talking to her.
Duke Ellington and John Coltrane are having a conversation in the background, as i type, they are speaking of inspiring things. Every time i stop to listen they speak of something different, never the same thing twice. I suppose they are in a sentimental mood.
I have a lot of things to write about, but my fingers are telling me no.
They've slid a tall brick wall to my head, and have molded it to surround my brain, and have reinforced the left side with some type of metal i suppose.
They think i should wait, so I'll respect their decision -- what other choice do i have?
I guess this is just me saying to you, i have writers block.
Thanks a lot fingers, thanks a whole lot.

Piece of Moment

I am single no longer.
Jenny June, Yes, Jenny from a.p. stats, and i are,
dare i say it,
in love.
This has brought me to the conclusion that i will have to reevaluate most of my philosophical views, but then again; i was sooner or later.
It was an amazing Friday and Saturday morning, i admitted my love and she accepted it with a reply that could only fill me with this content. Quite the Friday night i have to say.
Saturday morning i woke up next to her and, unwillingly, went to face 4 hours of solid scrubbing floors and ceilings at my work (health department is coming around in a few days)
Just thought i should update everyone on that.

p.s. I got my funk back, but i think i should seal the deal with a new outfit.

Now for the blog:
Todays discussion will not be on love, though i am creating a magnificent theory of it.
i think today i will write about a scene i saw last night, or actually it was this morning around 12:00 a.m.
Jenny took me to the graffiti staircase, and i will write of that later. maybe when i visit again, and i'll even take my own pictures of it (i know right).
But as we left the staircase, we walked up a small flight of stairs and all of a sudden i had the urge to stop. I look up and jenny was in front of me, not knowing that i had stopped. She looked back and there it was, such a beautiful scene that i could not comprehend.
There was a concrete walk way, to the left was a thick concrete wall separating those who walk from those who fall into the bushes and dirt below. To the right were class rooms, though you could not tell because small wooden walls that made about a foot on privacy for each classroom door. i suppose we all need our privacy. At the end of the concrete walkway were two doors that lead into a bigger building. There was a giant tree next to that building, and you could tell it was cold as it swayed so gently. Closer to I, was a big block of concrete. I do not know why it was so ambiguously placed there, but it has dry paint dripping down from the top and sides of it. Not so much, just a very tasteful amount of paint drips and small splashes. The lighting of the walkway was harsh, it seemed that the florescent lights were covered by a mossy plastic.
All these elements and minor details seemed to create something surreal, actually, it seemed to add on the surreal-ness of it all. That one second that i stopped, and she noticed to look back -- it was all added in my subconscious, all of it, to create a feeling wisdom; wisdom that came in a aesthetic piece of moment.
I reflect on this, i ponder, and the next time i visit i will sit and let it teach me it's artistic wisdom and knowledge.

Old Tree (1.0)

"You distract me more when you're not around then when you are, face to face or online."

So I'm doing my math homework right now,
I don't get a single bit of it.
I really don't like math, luckily I'm a History/Social Science/Philosophy major.
(My counselors still haven't made it clear to me)

I thought I would write today about the tree just beyond my computer desk window.
As i sit now, i can see branches protruding out of another condo.
I can see a glimpse of the beige railing, that would take me towards the concrete walkway that guides us, whom live in the condos and don't, through a peaceful path to the asphalt. I see a white truck beyond the tree, and around the concrete walk way i see green grass that is of a bright nature. I see many more things, but that is what I see at first glance.
The tree is something significant to me.
For the past six weeks it has reminded me of the coming weather, of the coming disputes, and arguments, and experiences i will have.
It does this by shedding its colorful leaves, that slowly glide down with a swishing, left-to-right motion and gently land on the red curb.
It has always done this, year after year, from the beginning of my stay here, 11 or so years ago.
I have always though that this was here for me.
Not just for me, actually i presume that it was planted there for so many reasons
and me not being one of them.
But since the time i have first moved here to today, I've noticed that it has become more and more significant to me.
It speaks to me and tells me of its wisdom, it's experience, and it's loves.
It tells me of all these wonderful things at just a glance, when i get in my car, and a moment where i pass it either to get to my garage or to leave it.
It is always there for me and i always come back.
This a special tree that i have not shared with anyone, not even myself;
not until Monday, when i passed it walking my dog.
I remembered that only this year its leaves had changed and fell in, what seemed to be, a day. maybe it was a week, or maybe it took all year, but to I, I realized it in one day;
One moment as i walked passed it.
In one moment i realized it.

I look at it;
it's old leaves, its sturdy branches, it's swaying motion.
Today it does not speak to me,
it chooses not to.
Today it chooses to say nothing and to serve as a symbol for me.
Tomorrow it may speak, the day after, or this could be the last thing it would say to me.
Maybe today is has taught its last lessons,
but today,
as the wind blows it's brown, yellow, an blush leaves around like a whisk does to the cream of a cake,
it does not speak because it chooses to teach me a lesson by saying nothing.
it chooses to teach me infinite lessons by saying nothing,
but by being.

Today, he has taught me a lesson about love.

My weekend

Was the best damn weekend of 2007.

Sure, i went to San Francisco with my crew
and sure i went to L.A.
and yeah i got a prop from Joey Gold
but this trip was like no other.

I found so many things
such as old friends, current friends, and future best friends
(i.e. Jenni and Julie lol)

I also confirmed what i thought to be a flimsy theory,
to be a solid fact.

lastly i found something that
is so beautiful, so intense, so ...
wonderful,
that it only ceritfies that this has been the best damn weekend of 2007.


if you're wondering what exactly i did,
i went to Fullerton and Irvine for the weekend,
i skipped a shower,
slept on random beds,
watched movies,
played bored games,
spent all my time with friends,
sang,
ate,
and lived.


If i gave you a play by play,
it'd be bigger than the first testament.

p.s. no one commented my last post =|
i thought it was my best post to date, lol.
anywhoo!

:]

Pinky

"I like it when titles are symbolic and make you think."

"Yeah, me too..."